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Q I’m a 28-year-old straight female in a two-year-plus relationship. I have never liked receiving oral sex, which wasn’t a big deal to past boyfriends, but my current boyfriend really likes to give me oral sex and also really wants me to enjoy it. He’s very attentive, goes slow, asks what I like, how it feels, etc., but ultimately, I just wish he’d stop. Obviously, there are worse problems in the world than a generous, attentive sex partner, but I think he sees this issue as his failure rather than simply a quirk I have (apparently every other woman he’s been with loved oral sex from him). If you want additional back story, I have never had an orgasm resulting from sex of any sort with any man. I am capable of orgasm (masturbation and vibrators), but apparently not from sex itself. So maybe the issue is that my boyfriend just wants to give me an orgasm and thinks that oral sex is his best shot. Regardless, I really don’t enjoy it, but I also don’t want him to feel bad or like he’s doing something wrong.

A It sounds like you’ve actually got this whole situation sussed out: Of course your boyfriend is desperate to be the first guy to give you an orgasm, and he figures that a little expert cunnilingus is his ace in your recalcitrant hole. But that only sets you up for more disappointment and feeling like you’re broken (which you’re not—you’re just still figuring out the subtleties of your body) as some dude keeps futilely pawing and lapping at you. Now here’s my question: Since you’ve had success giving yourself an orgasm via masturbation, have you allowed your boyfriend to use a vibrator on you? That might finally allow him the pleasure of watching you orgasm, and allow you the bonus of receiving pleasure while another human being is lying next to you. I know you’re trying hard to keep him happy, but you can’t just keep enduring various sex acts that you’re not into. Having said that, there’s a lot more to sex than just orgasming, so both of you should focus more on the process than the expected result. And you should definitely get him to break out a few toys so you can have some stress-free fun.

Q I had an abortion recently (three weeks ago). It was my choice and I feel no guilt, only relief. However, I find that I have lost my mojo; to put it another way, I just do not feel horny anymore, and I’m only 28 years old! Although nobody at the abortion clinic said anything about this, a friend tells me that after a woman has an abortion, her “hormones are out of whack,” and also that I need to avoid sex for six (!) weeks because I am likely to get pregnant in spite of birth control, because my body is “screaming to be pregnant.” What gives? I have a terrific boyfriend and it bothers both of us that we do not have the chemistry we used to have. I’m curious what you think about it.

A First of all, it’s your friend who’s a bit out of whack. Although that factoid about your hormones going nutty is true (in fact, the pregnancy hormones your body started creating could affect you for several weeks or even months postabortion), that’s pure crazy talk about your body “screaming to get pregnant.” The fact is you’ll have just as much (or as little) chance of getting pregnant as any other woman using birth control. The main nugget of info you should take away from this is that some women are extremely sensitive to the pregnancy hormones, which can cause severe depression. That is likely the cause of your missing mojo. If you’re only three weeks postprocedure, it’s really not that surprising that you’re still dealing with the emotional and physical aftermath. But if the lack of horniness and overall malaise continues long-term, you should most definitely go see a doctor.

Send letters to Jamie Bufalino c/o Time Out New York, 475 Tenth Avenue, 12th floor, New York, NY 10018, or send e-mail to sex@timeoutny.com.

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