Get naked

Q I’m a gay male Muslim, and my boyfriend is Jewish. A few months ago, my boyfriend suggested that I grow a beard, but I am blond, so my beard was very light, and he suggested I dye it brown. A few days ago, as I was fucking him, he said, “Fuck me, you fucking Muslim terrorist,” and stuff along these lines. I stopped; he apologized and said he didn’t mean it. I am sure he called me a Muslim terrorist and asked me to dye my beard because the idea of him being fucked by a Muslim fanatic turns him on. I have to admit it turns me on, too. However, my dilemma is that I grew up in cosmopolitan Beirut, speaking French along with Arabic, and like the current Lebanese-American Miss USA, I attended Catholic schools there. My mom was a single mother who worked and went to the beach in a bikini, and that—along with my blond hair—makes me not fit the stereotype that my boyfriend fantasizes about. I know he doesn’t think all Muslims are terrorists, and certainly not me, but I am caught between the fear of fulfilling his fantasy and thus propagating the Muslim stereotype and the fear of failing to fulfill his fantasy.

A At first I thought this letter was a complete goof, but by the end I actually started taking it seriously (nothing shuts down my bullshit meter quite like a Muslim mom in a bikini). Here’s the deal: If you truly believe that your boyfriend doesn’t harbor extreme prejudice against everyone of the Muslim faith, then I say the bedroom action can get as freaky as you both want to get. If you start questioning the social implications of all of your sexual activities, you’ll just end up with a headache and a limp dick. Think about it: Would you say, “Hmm, I wonder if sucking this cock plays too much into the gay stereotype?” or “Does being this aggressive in bed make me too much of a male cartoon?” I think asking someone to dye his beard for role-playing purposes is a bit much (that’s what imaginations are for, people), but if you’re okay with it, who am I to judge?

Q I’m a straight woman and my boyfriend and I are going through a time where all we seem to do is argue. The problem isn’t the arguing itself, it’s how it happens. I chose to be with my boyfriend because he seemed like a reasonable and fair person. I am beginning to doubt that. When we talk about our life, it’s like he doesn’t even hear me. When I tell him he isn’t listening, he denies it. I try to show him that something is only his opinion, and not the truth; at this point, he finds other things to argue about. It’s exasperating. After I get upset and we stop talking for an hour or two, he comes back to me and apologizes. He says he will work on being more considerate and accepting. We kiss and make up. We have great sex. Life goes on. But the next day, the same arguments start! I really do love him, but I’m starting to get sick of it.

A This is precisely what couples therapists were made for. It’s likely going to be a struggle to get him to agree to see one with you, but the man definitely needs to learn how to have a productive fight and not just desperately cling to his side of the story. Perhaps if he knew that this issue is causing you to rethink being in this relationship, it would shake him up enough to actually change his behavior. Of course, not being a good listener tends to be a male trademark (sometimes stereotypes are true!), so I wouldn’t abandon the relationship thinking you can easily do better. Yes, it’s an annoying problem, but it’s fixable: The first step is getting him to see he has a problem.

Send letters to Jamie Bufalino c/o Time Out New York, 475 Tenth Avenue, 12th floor, New York, NY 10018, or send e-mail to sex@timeoutny.com.