Get naked

Q In February, I gave birth to my daughter and immediately began breast-feeding. My husband’s interest in this quickly changed from curiosity to sexual stimulation. Now he charts feeding times, and prepares himself by getting naked with a lubricant and a towel so he can masturbate. At first I found this funny and oddly titillating, but now it seems creepy. I have tried to avoid him by locking myself in the bathroom (he banged on the door until I opened it) or feeding while having an elderly neighbor visit (he hid his crotch with a sofa pillow and jacked hard). When I tell him of my growing discomfort with this, he laughs. What can I do to let him know this is serious?

A It’s a little frightening when a dad has to be told that the care and feeding of his newborn is not just something to have a good wank about. Seriously, I could possibly see doing this as a one-off joke and then moving on, but to consistently sexualize the breast-feeding experience is just weird and wrong. Tell him that I said he needs to grow up and start acting like a real father. Hopefully, the realization that you actually felt the need to write in for advice about this will shake him into realizing that he’s being a total, irresponsible douche.

Q I am a 31-year-old guy and I’m in my first serious relationship: It’s long-distance with a guy who’s 25 years old. We see each other twice a month, talk every night and will reach the year mark in July. I have fallen so in love, he’s amazing. Only problem is…we haven’t had sex yet. I suffer from phimosis, so my penis is only useful for masturbation, though this is irrelevant because I consider myself a bottom anyway. The other issue is: Every time I’ve tried to bottom, I haven’t been able to. I get very stressed out, and I am incredibly tight. What kills me is that I am dying to bottom. It looks so awesome in porn! My boyfriend is very patient with me, but he’s dying to do it too, and it’s his first relationship too, and I’m scared that he’s going to look elsewhere for sex. I have googled a lot and I hear patience and meditation and foreplay help, but a part of me is scared it will never happen. Are there people who just can’t do it? Can you offer any advice?

A First off, let’s get the medical jargon out of the way so everyone can be as fully in the know as you and I: “Phimosis” is a physiological condition in which the foreskin does not fully retract from the head of the penis. I’m glad that you’re so unfazed by this condition to deem it “irrelevant,” though I can’t help but wonder if you’ve taken any steps to rectify it, either surgically or nonsurgically. It’s certainly worth a trip to a urologist.

Now on to the main issue: The short answer is yes, there are people who just can’t manage to get a dick up their ass, but that’s mainly due to giving up too soon. Remember, it can take years and lots of solo, dildo-wielding practice to get to the point where you can make the muscles of your asshole relax enough to allow a nice-size dick to penetrate them. The first thing you have to do is stop being scared that it won’t happen—that’s just adding more clench-inducing stress to the situation. Secondly, you should get an array of different-sized dildos to use on yourself in the pressure-free privacy of your bedroom (I suppose technically this could take place in the living room, but I’m kind of old-fashioned). Start with the leanest dildo and work your way up the girth scale until you’re satisfied with your asshole’s progress. Remember, this is not going to be an overnight thing: It’s going to take time and patience and diligence. Just keep working at it, and I’m sure you’ll eventually open up like a beautiful gay orchid.

Send letters to Jamie Bufalino c/o Time Out New York, 475 Tenth Avenue, 12th floor, New York, NY 10018, or send e-mail to sex@timeoutny.com.