Get naked

Q I read the article from the male letter writer who had his fiancée’s friend over for four days, the three-way, the swinger friends, etc. That story gave me a chubby. Here’s my story: My wife and I would have friends over to our house on weekends. One married couple, which included my wife’s female friend whom she has known since kindergarten, were our favorite guests. One magic night, dinner and drinks led to watching porn, which led to saying, “What the fuck” and having sex in front of each other. It was phenomenal! This went on for maybe two more weekends and was ready to escalate.

Of course we had an “I’m not having fun anymore” safe word, and it was used…by my wife. In later conversations, it was revealed that her friend felt the same way. Basically, that was the end of the whole thing. Well, nothing has been the same since then. Sex has just not been as good. My wife eventually felt uncomfortable talking to her friend because she knew both guys still wanted to keep things going on. Eventually she lost touch completely, even though they still live in a neighboring town. She blames me for losing her friend. It really had lifelong consequences. Mostly bad. But would I do it again? Absolutely. Just remind people that it’s way more complicated and far-reaching emotionally.

A Thanks for those wise words of caution. In return I offer this note of support: I don’t think your wife has any cause to blame you for the way things shook out after your frisky couples’ weekends. It sucks that she lost a lifelong friend over it, but she could have nixed the group friskiness before it got started. She certainly could have bailed before the repeat performances on ensuing weekends. And she sure as hell didn’t have to allow a little discomfort squash a decades-long friendship. I get that people can’t predict what kind of weirdness might arise from such sexual adventures, but there’s an adult way to deal with them and there’s an immature way, and your wife has chosen the latter. Guys are guys—of course they’re going to want the crazy sex weekends to continue. That doesn’t mean they’re not happy in their marriage, or they’re desperate to boff their neighbors. To me, this is not a good enough reason to allow a friendship to die. I’m not trying to harsh all over your wife; in fact, I feel her pain and just want her to realize that there are things she can do to alleviate it. It’s still not too late for her and her friend to resuscitate their relationship. That probably won’t bring back those crazy weekends, but it might help your marital sex life by easing the tension that exists between the two of you.

Q My boyfriend loves to pound me really hard, especially in the “roasted chicken” position (where my legs are up in the air while I’m under him). I love the feeling of this position too, but when it’s over (the sessions often last for an hour), my vagina feels as if it’s been ripped to a pulp. It often hurts to pee, and I feel numb inside. The additional incentive I have for encouraging my boyfriend to continue these movements is that he often takes a long time to come and needs this kind of thrusting to get off. Do you have any suggestions?

A Um, yes. Don’t let your boyfriend pound you so hard. How exactly is it an incentive for you to endure that kind of pounding so that he can come? I’m all for sexual selflessness, but not at the cost of physical pain. Make sure that you’re participating in this kind of rough sex because you truly enjoy it and desire it, not just because he wants it. I would also make sure you’re lubed up to the hilt and have a hefty supply of Aleve on hand.

Send letters to Jamie Bufalino c/o Time Out New York, 475 Tenth Avenue, 12th floor, New York, NY 10018, or send e-mail to sex@timeoutny.com.