Get naked

Q I am a 26-year-old straight girl. I lost my virginity at 23 (traumatic heartbreak ensued) and didn’t really date much after that, mostly because I wanted to avoid men at all costs. I just got out of a six-month relationship where the guy was fantastic and everything was amazing…but the sex just didn’t work.

Now I’m out dating again and I feel like I have a problem: I never meet guys I’m physically attracted to. But if I’m talking to someone who seems nice, and he asks for my number, I’ll give it to him because I figure he could have a heart of gold. I never look forward to first dates, which makes me sad because most of my girlfriends gush about how excited they are about their upcoming dates. Also, I never have a desire to want to be physical with anyone, while most of my friends make out on the first or second date.

Example No. 1: Shortly after my BF broke up with me, I hooked up with a former flame who I still find cute, with a great personality, etc. However, I felt absolutely nothing. Not a tingle or a goose bump or anything. Example No. 2: I was briefly dating this really cute, smart, funny guy and we made out once, but again, I felt absolutely nothing even though I thought he was great! Could something be wrong with me emotionally, that I should see a therapist for, or is it more of a “gotta kiss frogs till you find your prince” type thing? I’m so sad that all my girlfriends feel the giddiness of dating and instead all I feel like doing is vomiting or cringing. One of your other readers said her current BF “set her loins on fire.” I want that! Help!

A First of all, since everybody’s got some emotional glitch, I think seeing a therapist should be a given, especially for the citizens of this great, mind-fucking city. And that goes double for you because it’s really obvious to me that you’re still traumatized by whatever happened between you and that guy you served up your cherry to. Furthermore, your obsession with how your friends approach dates and dating tells me that you’re sporting some severe low self-esteem. That, in turn, would explain why you’re not meeting guys you’re physically attracted to (although later in the letter you talk about dating two cute guys so I’m a little confused on that front). In any case, it seems like there’s a damaged, post-cherry-serving part of you that thinks you must not deserve to date a really hot guy, because otherwise you wouldn’t have been emotionally punished by the cherry picker. But that’s wrong-headed thinking. Sometimes a douche is just a douche.

Now we’ve identified two major areas that would benefit from some good, old-fashioned psychotherapy: one, your sexual reticence brought on by the traumatic loss of your virginity, and two, your low self-esteem brought on by the virginity thing and probably countless other slights. So yes, I think you could really benefit from talking to a professional about how to overcome these major emotional obstacles. Writing a letter tells me you’re motivated to start the process of growth and change, so keep the momentum going and find a therapist pronto.

Send letters to Jamie Bufalino c/o Time Out New York, 475 Tenth Avenue, 12th floor, New York, NY 10018, or send e-mail to sex@timeoutny.com.