Get naked

Q I’ve been dating a great girl for about four months and everything is perfect in our relationship, except that she’s only in the mood to have sex after a few drinks. We started out having sex pretty much every day, but now we really only have intercourse when we’ve been out drinking, and I can’t figure out why this is. She tells me she’s not sure why. When we have sex after getting a little tipsy, it’s great, but I’ve got a high libido and like to have sex when I’m sober, and the fact that she’s not able to bothers me. I’ve asked her if it’s my attractiveness or some kind of behavior that’s preventing her from getting in the mood. She assures me no, but I have doubts. She’s a really sexy girl with a hot body and great personality, and it drives me nuts to have her naked body beside me cuddling when we haven’t had sex in four days. She says she’s trying to figure it out, but can you help me—something in her (or me, or both) is preventing her from feeling sexy enough to have intercourse when sober.

A Wow, you’re really into this girl, aren’t you? And I can tell just from this short letter that you’re a solid, nice guy who must be an excellent boyfriend. That’s why I would love to be able to give you a definitive answer about what’s going on here, but the best I can do is propose a theory: Despite her hot bod and great personality, this woman has issues about sex and intimacy. Needing to rely on alcohol to put you in the mood means you’re uncomfortable letting it all hang out, both physically and emotionally. If this is the case, it might take her a while to feel close enough to you to let you see her authentic sexual self, or maybe tipsy-sex is all she’s ever going to muster up. Only time will tell. Of course, you could hurry things along by encouraging her to seek counseling (maybe even offer to go with her), since her own insecurities are likely to be at the root of this behavior. I suppose it’s also possible that there’s something she secretly finds unattractive about you, but given the fact that the sex is great when you ultimately have it, I’m inclined to dismiss this option (no amount of alcohol can consistently mask the kind of repulsion it would take to want to forgo nontipsy sex). I guess you’re just going to have to hang in there, let her know you’re open to any and all conversations about what might help her become more amenable to sex, and hope she figures out what’s holding her back.

And now, here’s a little (negative) feedback about how I handled a recent letter from a woman coping with an impotent husband.

Q As a regular reader of your column, I was surprised by your response regarding “Limpy McSquishyjunk.” While your name-calling is creative, it is insensitive. This guy obviously needs some medical attention. The wife only said that he masturbates, not that he gets it up when he masturbates. Your response has now probably led the wife to believe that he gets it up for himself, but not for her. You should know that a man with erectile dysfunction can climax and ejaculate without getting an erection. I had an extremely satisfying sexual relationship with a man with erectile dysfunction. All that is required is communication, openness and creativity. Medication may also help. Please amend your response to one that is more accurate and sensitive to this issue.

A Although I refuse to retract the “McSquishyjunk” (come on, just because you’ve lost your erections doesn’t mean your sense of humor is gone too), I’m more than happy to add your astute amendment to the issue. You’re right, I was wrongly assuming that the dude was masturbating with a hard-on. Now, thanks to your letter and insight, I recognize the possible error of my ways.

Send letters to Jamie Bufalino c/o Time Out New York, 475 Tenth Avenue, 12th floor, New York, NY 10018, or send e-mail to sex@timeoutny.com.