Get naked

Q I married about a year ago and live with my spouse. Until then we dated long-distance. Since we got married, my husband hasn’t displayed much desire to have sex with me. At one point we hadn’t had sex for over half a year. Supposedly he has erectile dysfunction and uses pills to have sex with me, so whenever I show some initiative at the wrong time (which is all the time) he rejects me and says he can’t do it. My sexual frustration leads to arguments, which make him feel unsexy. He admits he masturbates regularly. He’s never climaxed in my presence and he doesn’t like to talk about this subject. He’d rather ignore the whole situation and pretend it’s not important. What’s going on? How can I find out the truth? Perhaps we should go to a doctor. What kind of doctor? Any ideas?

A Did you just say “supposedly” he has erectile dysfunction? Isn’t that something you should know for sure about your spouse? I hate to say this, but I think the two of you may have been hornswoggled by that whole long-distance-dating situation. A series of quick visits can never take the place of seeing how you’ll fare in the day-to-day give-and-take of a relationship. Had you been dating in the same city, you would have gotten a better sense of how stingy he can be with the sex. Six coitusless months immediately following your nuptials? That’s blasphemy. And what’s up with him being able to get it up to masturbate, but when it comes to giving you what you crave, he’s suddenly all Limpy McSquishyjunk? And don’t even get me started on his unwillingness to talk this through.

What you guys need is a marriage counselor. There’s so little honest, open communication going on here that the only way to salvage this marriage is to have someone help you figure out how to overcome the emotional blocks. Here’s hoping you guys truly love each other, because you’ve got a lot of hard work ahead.

Q I’ve been with very few men in my entire life—fewer than five and I’m almost 40. I’ve been with my husband for many years, but lately we have not been having sex. He even told me to get a boyfriend after I accused him of cheating (I have evidence). I would love a boyfriend, since I’m still very horny and hot and everyone says I’m a beautiful woman. I have gone on dates and men have offered to sleep with me, but I am just not that into them. I am very afraid of HIV, herpes, intimacy and getting hurt again. How can you guarantee you won’t get anything?

A The only way you can be sure that you won’t get any STDs from a sex partner is to have him get a full battery of tests right before you do the deed. Naturally, this does not lend itself to the traditional ways in which people seduce one another, so you’re going to have to find someone who’s willing to go the extra mile to have sex with you. Since your marriage is clearly fucked, you may as well be brazen about trying to find a guy who fits this bill. Do you have chemistry with a dude you happened to meet at a cocktail party? Tell him your whole sordid marital sob story—complete with details about how wigged out you get at the idea of catching some STD (what guy doesn’t like a germaphobic hottie?). Unfortunately, there’s not much you can do to protect yourself fully from getting hurt again. If you want real intimacy in your life, you’re going to have to take some risks. But even if you do end up with another broken heart, at least you’ll have managed to avoid having oozing pustules on an assortment of other body parts.

Send letters to Jamie Bufalino c/o Time Out New York, 475 Tenth Avenue, 12th floor, New York, NY 10018, or send e-mail to sex@timeoutny.com.