Get naked

Q My boyfriend of two years and I have slowed down in the sex department to the point where we’re having sex about once or twice a month. My therapist told me (and I agree!) that this is not a good sign. I am a 29-year-old female, very athletic and very spiritual. Two things I’ve always known about myself are that (1) I am into self-improvement in every aspect of my life, and (2) I need to get laid. Almost daily.

My boyfriend (36) is challenging and inspiring to me; he is incredibly smart and successful, he has great morals and values and he is funny, respectful, and charismatic. The problem is, I feel like my sex life is dry, partly because he doesn’t take as much care of his physical appearance as I do (he never works out and is slightly overweight). As a result, I rarely want to jump his bones. Am I wrong to sacrifice all of the good things I get from being with him just for sexual attraction? Or am I wasting his time because I will most likely wind up cheating on him? If your answer will be to tell him to lose weight, please give me a little more detail. That was my therapist’s answer and it didn’t work!

A Au contraire, my super-spiritual friend. Dietary regimes will not be discussed herein. In fact, he’s not even the one I’m going to be focusing on in this response. I wasn’t going to bring the following bit of news up in this space, but for some reason this letter is making me want to share: Believe it or not, at the end of December I had to have (wait for it) brain surgery—that’s right, complete with postsurgical head staples. An MRI showed that I had a huge dick, and then the technician readjusted the machine and discovered a large, swollen tumor (benign) on the casing of my brain. Okay, I made the penis scan up, just to keep this from getting too maudlin. In a sign that God likes that I write “Get Naked,” neither the timing of the surgery nor my ongoing recovery has gotten in the way of my weekly writing about bumping hoo-has.

The reason I’m bringing all of this up is, as it turns out, having brain surgery was one of the most beautiful experiences of my life because it gave me a chance to reach out for support to the loved ones in my life, and for them to respond in devastatingly heartwarming ways. My point here is that we need to get some perspective on what matters. Hint: A little extra body weight is not it. If you’ve got a man who is smart, moral, funny and inspiring, you should fuck the living daylights out of him because, well, those are the kind of people we need to surround ourselves with.

Note: I’ve been super emotional, postsurgery (not in a woe-is-me way but in a feeling-the-vulnerability-of-others way), so my edge seems to be temporarily replaced with weeping. That’s why I’m not going to take you to task as much as I expected to, Ms. Needs Sex Almost Daily. What I will say is this: I definitely think you’re entitled to have more sex in your life, but I also think you need to rev up that spiritual side. That you’re already envisioning yourself cheating on him is a really bad sign. It would be far better to use that brain power to focus on the things you love about your boyfriend, to realize that it’s the emotional bits, not the fleshy ones, that will make sex the best and to figure out more productive ways to get him to acknowledge your needs. Frankly, it sounds like it wouldn’t hurt if your edge were replaced by more emotionality. You’ve got the makings of a really great relationship. Don’t screw it up by insisting on perfection or by letting your overactive brain overwhelm a temporarily hibernating heart.

Send letters to Jamie Bufalino c/o Time Out New York, 475 Tenth Avenue, 12th floor, New York, NY 10018, or send e-mail to sex@timeoutny.com.