Get naked

After trolling through old e-mails hoping to find some overlooked piece of sexual confusion [Note: Let’s really start cranking up the sex e-mails, people. Regards, the Management], I came across the following critique of some months-old advice I had given. The writer (a woman) raises some interesting issues, so I thought it would be worth dredging up the old issue and firing up the debate.

Q Dear Jamie, I am confused. In a recent column, you gave advice to a woman whose husband revealed his attraction to men (as well as an assumed remaining attraction to women) to her. Your advice revolved around them having a conversation about “boundary setting” and possibly the need for incorporating his having sex with men into their relationship. Why is his bisexuality being portrayed as a free pass to start talking about having sex outside of their marriage? It doesn’t seem like she has a similar interest in exploring her sexuality. It sounds as though she is scared to lose her husband, with whom she committed to a lifetime of monogamy.

Some questions: If a straight woman wrote in seeking advice about her husband, who told her in the middle of foreplay that he saw another woman on the subway who “got him hard,” would it be recommended that they immediately explore an open marriage? Just because someone discovers they are attracted to a larger section of the population, does it mean they have to have sex with more of them? Of course they can have a “stable marriage” if he’s bisexual—hell, if they’re both bisexual—as long as they respect one another, their commitment to one another and their partner’s feelings. It sounds like this guy is so self-concerned that he’s lost sight of that.

A Basically, you and I are coming at this from two different perspectives. Whereas you are (rightly) reacting to the shock and disappointment and anger that arises when someone you love reveals that he is lusting elsewhere in his heart, I moved one step beyond that phase and tried to focus on how these two people (who admittedly love each other) could figure out how to remain together through an inevitably agonizing time. The other major sticking point here is that the guy discovered (or at least finally admitted to) an attraction to other men. Satisfying that need is not possible in a heterosexual marriage. Being allowed to indulge in same-sex boning may seem like a free pass that late-blooming bisexual people get, but there’s really not much you can do about that other than to force him to completely deny his desires. Clearly, you’re from the school of thought that says a vow of monogamy comes with a promise of desire-denial, and I would hazard a guess that most people agree with that stance. But if we’re dealing with this from a place of helping our partners be everything they want to be (rather than just holding people to their promises), it makes sense to explore ways for everyone to be happy.

Obviously, neither you nor I know this couple well, so there’s no way to tell if this guy is just an oversexed asshole looking to get some out-of-wedlock jollies. But the tone of the woman’s letter was so sincere and concerned that it seemed to me that this is truly a solid couple facing some extremely difficult issues. Yes, this woman is getting the truly shitty end of the stick here, but it doesn’t have to be a complete nightmare for her. If she approaches this situation from a charitable, loving place, she can feel good about helping the man she loves and ultimately they could end up feeling closer than ever because of it.

Send letters to Jamie Bufalino c/o Time Out New York, 475 Tenth Avenue, 12th floor, New York, NY 10018, or send e-mail to sex@timeoutny.com.