Get naked

Q I’m a 25-year-old woman and I’ve been in a committed relationship for the past three years. I have no problems with orgasms (they’re great) and we often come together. Our issue is that sex is not very pleasurable for me until a minute or so before I orgasm. I’m not one for long, drawn-out sex; I just want to come and go to sleep, though I would very much like to feel more sensation prior to orgasm. What can we do?

A First you should be grateful for your orgasmic agility. Do you know how many women would kill to have that? Second, if you’re not that into the intercourse part of sex, then just do it when you’re ready to come and do whatever makes you feel the most sensation (oral, dry humping, titty fucking, whatever) up until you want it to be go time. Sheesh, sometimes I think people make this whole having-sex thing much more complicated than it has to be.

Q After five years of promiscuity, I finally met Mr. Right. The only problem is that the sex sucks. I thought maybe all the hot sex I had in the past had led to unrealistic expectations. Since I decided that a committed relationship with a man who loves me is better than the alternatives, I tried to talk about it with him, but he would just get really quiet and sad. My doctor advised we see a sex therapist. My partner wasn’t open to that, and I was a bit creeped out by the idea. Recently, we had a very open conversation about our sex life and it became clear to me that we just aren’t interested in the same things. I like kissing and anal sex (both top and bottom), and he likes body contact and oral sex but is not into anal or kissing at all. From my point of view, this is not something we can really work out, so the best solution is an open relationship, but I am really curious if you have any thoughts or suggestions.

A My immediate reaction is, Who doesn’t like kissing? That seems weird to me, but I’m not here to judge. And I haven’t heard anything about either of you working at trying to meet the other halfway. But I’m just relieved that you guys still ended up together at the end of your letter—whenever someone starts off talking about meeting Mr. Right, it rarely goes well. If you both can handle the open-relationship thing, then good for you for finding a workable solution. I would keep that sex therapist’s number handy, though, because the first time one of you accidentally walks in on the other taking advantage of your relationship’s openness, you might need a professional to help you smooth things out.

Q I’ve been reading your column for almost ten years (TONY subscriber since the beginning), and here is my question: Can a guy send another guy a text message that reads: “Are you still coming to suck me off” and not be gay? I accidentally saw this text on my “straight” male friend’s phone. I don’t want to make too much of this, but can it mean anything else? It’s a bit unsettling. Your thoughts?

A Answer: Yes, you can send that text and still not be gay. I know this topic makes many straight men crazy because they would never in a million years let another dude suck them off, but that genre of straight man does exist and doesn’t necessarily end up a full-on gay. Horniness is a powerful force, and since women are much harder to wrangle into superficial sexual situations, some straight men are more than willing to turn to a gay dude for some oral relief. I think you’d be wise not to make anything more out of it.

Send letters to Jamie Bufalino c/o Time Out New York, 475 Tenth Avenue, 12th floor, New York, NY 10018, or send e-mail to sex@timeoutny.com.