The gentle fart of seduction

Q So that woman complaining about only getting sex “one to two times every two weeks” [When dreams come true]? I laugh at her. Laugh, I say! Want to know how often my girlfriend and I have sex? Less than once a month over the past three years! Oh, but it gets better! When we do have sex, it’s pretty good, but it’s over in about five minutes (she orgasms faster than anyone I’ve ever met). I’ve never gone down on her (she doesn’t like it). She barely ever goes down on me (like, twice a year). We mostly have missionary-position sex in our bed, we’ve never had make-up sex, or vacation sex, or…okay, I have to stop now, because I’m depressing myself. So why do I stay in this nearly sexless relationship, especially when I’m a once-a-day-minimum guy? Because my girlfriend is the most amazing woman I’ve ever met. She’s smart, funny, beautiful, ambitious, caring, she supports my dreams, and pushes me to be a better person than I ever thought I could be. And she doesn’t intentionally deny me sex: She has a muscle disease that saps her strength (she needs at least ten hours of sleep a night), and her antidepressants and birth-control pills don’t do much for her libido either. I’m 28, I want to fuck my girlfriend three times a day in every position known to man, but I think my sex life might be over. But what do I do? Do I stay in a sexless relationship with a wonderful woman, or do I find someone else? I would marry my girlfriend tomorrow if not for this, but if I broke up with her, it would only be about the sex, and how petty is that?

A You can say a lot of bad things about me, but one thing’s for sure: I definitely learn from my mistakes. A while back I got a letter from a guy whose wife was battling cancer, and who—for obvious reasons—was in the same little-to-no-sex predicament as you. That time, I tried to feel the guy’s pain, to the point where I said that it is not “petty” to expect to have sex in your relationship. I wasn’t encouraging the guy to leave the cancer-stricken woman, I was just trying to make him realize that he’s not a schmuck for having thoughts about it. Although I pretty much feel the same way with you, I’m not putting myself into that reader-enraging corner again. I think you have to do what every other person on this earth has to do: come to terms with your own personal hell of an existential crisis. There are so many people who would kill to have the kind of relationship that you and your girlfriend have—with or without the sex. So you have to go into blessings-counting mode and focus on that. Imagine how much more empty your life would be if you had all the sex you wanted but it was with someone you didn’t respect half as much as her. Life is a series of trade-offs. No one’s getting everything they want, and if you look at it from a “How did I score such an amazing woman?” perspective then sex once a month on top of that really isn’t so bad, is it? Ugh. Now I’m depressed. Why does life have to be a series of trade-offs? It sucks, it sucks, it sucks. But you do have a lot going for you, so I guess you should just masturbate the hurt away. Oh yeah, and be thankful you’re not one of these people:

Q A few months ago my girlfriend of six months and I were having sex and she let loose a huge fart—loud and smelly. At first we laughed, then we both realized that we liked it…a lot. Since then we eat foods that produce gas prior to sex. We both feel that the added sensual pleasures (sound and smell) increase our horniness. We have used farts as come-ons to each other at parties and bars. Last Sunday, the woman sitting next to me at mass cut loose with a huge one and I got a rock-hard hard-on. We have imagined rooms of folks farting and fucking together. Are you aware of any such groups that pay homage to the sensual aspects of farting?

A Trust me, if I were aware of a group that paid homage to the sensual aspects of farting, I would melon-scoop that knowledge right out of the memory-keeping part of my brain, because I can’t bear to live in a world where people try to destroy sex in such a noxious way. Fine, if you and your gassy girlfriend are into it, more power to you, but don’t go trying to make a New York Times trend story out of this. This is something to keep locked inside your methane-filled bedroom—and of course your local Christian mass. You know, I had a sneaking suspicion that this letter was just a put-on, but that mass bit convinced me you’re being aboveboard, because it’s just too unbelievable to be fiction—seriously, who gets turned on by a religious stranger’s farts? I suppose I shouldn’t allow my own personal intestinephobia to color my view of another person’s sexual turn-on, but good God, man, at least put a cork in it until after you orgasm.

Q I’m a gay male with a wonderful boyfriend. The only issue is that he doesn’t have much of a sex drive, and when we do have sex, it’s pretty much the plain vanilla type. However, this all changes whenever he takes a sleeping pill. In a dreamlike state, he becomes a sex animal. Aggressive, talking dirty and taking charge. Now the first time this happened, I was a little freaked out and I refused to have sex, and basically just laid with him until he fell asleep. I told him about it the next morning and he was surprised, but told me that if it happens again I should just go for it. So the next time I did, and it may have been the best sex we’ve ever had. When I told him about it in the morning he had no memory of it whatsoever, and he really only believed me when he saw the used condom on the floor. As great as the sex was, I’m feeling a little guilty. I know he gave me permission, but it just doesn’t seem right to have sex with someone when they are “asleep.” Am I making too much out of this? Or should I stop? The sexually frustrated side of me wants to keep doing it, but the moral side just feels like it’s wrong.

A I certainly don’t think you should stop just because he happens to be asleep (note to fratboys: this does not apply to the women sacked out in your beds), but I do think you both deserve better than zombie sex. Actually, pill-induced sleep sex is not as uncommon as you might think. People have been known to eat while sleeping and even drive a car, all with no recollection of their behavior, so you both should be glad you only have to deal with middle-of-the-night semen stains rather than the driver-side airbag going off. And better yet, the condition is treatable with medication, so your boyfriend should tell his doctor about it and figure out the right combo of prescriptions that can help him put that thing back in his pajamas. Before he starts on the meds, though, I think you should at least get one more quickie in while he’s having a catnap.

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