Come high with me

Q I’m a 22-year-old gay male with the cutest boyfriend anyone could ever ask for. I love him to death but he is not as open-minded as I am-—especially when it comes to smoking marijuana. I love marijuana. I love getting higher than Air Jamaica with my friends. My boyfriend, on the other hand, refuses to go near it. So here’s my question: Let’s say, hypothetically speaking of course, I smoke a ton of weed. Is it at all possible that if my boyfriend swallowed, he’d get high from my come? I ask because the other night he seemed to get high after swallowing! Am I just imagining things?

A Is it just me or are you people getting weirder in 2009? Given your predilection for copious amounts of pot-smoking, I wouldn’t place much faith in your powers of perception, especially when it comes to judging how stoned another person may be. I don’t care if Cheech blew a load in Chong’s mouth, there’s no way a person can get high from swallowing come. He might end up with traces of marijuana in his bloodstream (so your boyfriend may want to start spitting if he’s in the market for a new job), but even that chance seems slight. So there you have it, now you can go back to trying to fashion a bong out of a double-ended dildo.

Q Hey again, Jamie! You were kind enough to answer my question about my husband always saying no when I try to initiate sex. Your idea of having one safe day a week was a good one, but it sadly isn’t working (he shot me down, even on the safe day). I think only marriage counseling will help that problem, if anything does. So while I wait for the miracle of miracles, maybe you can help me with another problem. We, like many couples, have mismatched libidos. I’m more of a one-to-two-times-a-day girl, while he’s content with one to two times a week. Now that we have a baby, he’s actually content with one to two times every two weeks. (I feel like we’re in the Freaky Friday of marriages.) And since I can’t initiate, I have to take it where I can get it and it’s driving me crazy. I masturbate, but that only whets my appetite for more. Cold showers even make me horny, because I notice my hard nipples and whatnot. (I’m a freak.) I read that estrogen-boosting foods and supplements can help, but I’m a bit concerned due to the fact that I’m nursing our daughter and I plan to continue to do so for a while. I also won’t take desire-stealing birth control pills (which dry up moms’ milk) or antidepressants (which go into the milk), even though I could really use both! So seriously, can you help a horny girl out? I don’t want to be pissy and resentful all the time, and even if marriage counseling helps us get to the point where I can at least call some of the sexual shots, I know my man will never be the once-a-day guy my libido is screaming for!

A To be honest, it sounds to me like you’ve been taking the anger you have toward your husband and stuffing it down your esophagus, through your fallopian tubes, bank-shotting off your uterus and coming out your vagina in a flame of raging horniness. (I’m pretty sure I got the anatomy of that correct.) And who could blame you? I bet he’s not even primarily responsible for taking care of your daughter, and yet he’s still using the neonatal tiredness excuse? My God, man, what’s wrong with you? I’m kidding (sort of), and I know that people are born with various levels of libido, but frankly, it doesn’t sound like he’s trying to cater to your needs at all. If I were you, I’d try to work off your horniness in healthy ways—like with running or Spin classes or doing bench presses while your personal trainer’s spandex-encased bulge is right above your face, practically within licking distance (okay, maybe that last idea is a bad one). Even if you weren’t nursing, it’s not a good idea to try to artificially lower you libido. It’s a life force that should be revered and nurtured, not sedated by Cymbalta. So use this frustrating phase of your life to give your body physical releases other than sex (come to think of it, a kickboxing class sounds like the perfect combo of rage diffusion and cardio), and then, once the marriage counseling kicks in, you’ll have a truly banging body to seduce your husband with.

Q My husband and I have been experimenting with role-play, and right now we’re in a phase where he pretends he’s a customer looking for a massage, and I’m the masseuse who slowly turns the massage into an illicit act with release. The problem is I’m already in a rut—I do the same things over and over. He’s face down, I massage his neck and shoulders and then quickly make my way down to his butt. We’ve both discovered how much he likes his butt massaged, so I do that for a while and then flip him over and give him a hand job. He’s not complaining, but I feel like I should have a few more tricks up my sleeve. Do you have any ideas?

A Do I ever. As far as I’m concerned, role-play means reenacting various porno scenes that have stuck with you over the years. I don’t care how corny they may seem, if role-play sex is on the agenda, they become boner-poppingly hot. That means that at some point when you flip him over, you should stand by his head and reach down to massage his chest, while—oops!—your breasts just happen to engulf his entire face. And now that you know about his erotically charged butt, you’re missing many golden opportunities by simply just massaging his gluteus maximus and calling it a day. It’s time to gently explore just how far he wants to take this butt action, first, by softly running your finger around his anus, but with a goal of eventually getting a finger up there so you can give his prostate a massage as well. Also, I’m not sure why the happy ending you’re giving him has to be in hand job form. Never sacrifice hot sex for the sake of making the role-play realistic. Any guy would gladly suspend his disbelief for a post-massage blow job.

And now a word from one of the more hirsute members of the Get Naked audience:

I’ve been a fan of yours for years and have previously written positively. However, I am becoming annoyed with your negative view of back hair. I am taking issue with your reply to the person writing about her boyfriend’s back hair. Having a luxurious coat myself, I can attest that many people find it a turn-on and enjoy running their body parts through same. Lighten up! People should learn to enjoy the back hair or let a guy find someone who will do so. (Now, long nose hairs are something else!)

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Send letters to Jamie Bufalino c/o Time Out New York, 475 Tenth Avenue, 12th floor, New York, NY 10018, or send e-mail to sex@timeoutny.com. Check out "Sex on the Street" with Jamie Bufalino at timeoutnewyork.com/video.