Camping 101

Pitch a tent
“This should be the first thing you do when you arrive at your campsite. A storm could be upon you in 25 minutes and you want to be ready. I suggest any of the high-end tents by The North Face, Marmot or Arc’teryx. Get a cheaper tent and you’ll regret it as soon as the rain hits—you can’t assume every night is going to be peaceful and starry. Tents are a piece of cake to set up these days because everything pops into place easily. Get there, set up your tent, throw your stuff inside and open a bottle of wine.”

Light a fire
“The key to a successful campfire is taking the time to get enough dry timber. Too many people try to start a campfire with a little clump of Kleenex and a few sticks. And no, you’re not going to use dryer lint. Take half an hour and gather loads of small, wispy material. New York has lots of birch trees—that bark, if it’s dead and on the ground, is the best fire-starting timber. Don’t pull bark off the tree; that’ll kill it. The general rule, if you want your pile to last all night, is to look at the amount you collect after a 30-minute hunt and get at least three times more. It’s a lot of work, but that’s why people go camping, right? To smell the smoke, feel the sweat and ache by the campfire late at night.”

Battle mosquitoes
“Stay away from all perfumes, shampoos and fragranced soaps. The more squeaky-clean you are, the more you’ll attract the bugs, so be a little dirty when you head out. Also stay away from black or navy blue clothing—flies love those shades. And since bees and bugs are attracted to bright colors, you should wear beige and lighter drab colors. You can also eat garlic and wear a bug jacket. DEET-based repellents work, but they’re horrible for the human body—the stuff melts plastic, why would you put it on your body?—so I suggest staying away from that if you can tolerate a few bugs.”

Cook dinner
1. Plan a menu: “People have an outdated notion that they’re supposed to take beans and wieners on a camping trip. When you go with me, you’re going to get stir fried-peanut Thai chicken and rice with garlic bread on the side. Or cheese fondue with a glass of wine. Prepackaged or canned stuff? Forget it! My favorite is this fantastic gourmet pizza.”
2. Do the prep work: “I make sauce from scratch and dehydrate it at home by laying it out on tinfoil and heating it in a 100-degree oven with the door open an inch for about six hours until it’s leathery. Then just pack it up.”
3. Don’t even think about skipping step two: “Canned sauce is a bad idea. You never take cans or jars on a camping trip. They can break, they’re heavy, and they’re wasteful. Dehydrating sounds hard but it’s really easy and it’s going to taste way better than store-bought sauce.”
4. Get cooking: “I use an old-time bannock recipe with flour, baking soda and water for the dough. Mix the ingredients and put it into the pan. Add some water to your sauce and stir it. Then put the sauce and cheese over your dough and slowly cook it all over the fire.”

Take a poo
1. Dig a hole: “I don’t care what anyone says, I know for a fact toilet paper does not dissolve over the winter unless you bury it. And if you don’t dig a hole, a fly can land on your number two and fly over to your campsite and land on your food. Use a stick to dig down about four inches to create what’s called a cathole.”
2. Take off your pants: “Actually, just one pant leg. Take it off and tuck the end into your other pant leg. This way, you can spread your legs a little and not worry about getting it all over yourself.”
3. Squat: “Some people wrap a belt around a tree to hold themselves up or lean on a horizontal log, but I don’t like that because then you’re always going on top of other people’s waste. Just bend your knees slightly and you’re off to the races.”
4. Cover your business: “Fill your hole back in and put a couple sticks in the shape of an X over it. This way your buddy doesn’t accidentally dig in the same spot later.”

Beat boredom
“Scrabble makes those little travel kits, and they’re great to take along. It’s lame when people cheat, though, and use those professional-level high-point words. I want some real words up on the board. And sex Scrabble is much more fun than regular Scrabble.”

SEE RELATED

Cool camping gear

Camping spots near NYC

Wilderness-themed bars

Real-life camping horror stories

More in Travel