Get Naked

Photograph: Chris Clinton

There are basically five things you need to know in order to have feverishly good sex during your college years. Unfortunately, I knew none of them in my youth, and therefore I was horrible in the sack. I’d screw up even the simplest stuff, like figuring out which side of a freshly unpacked condom is designed to effortlessly roll down your shaft, or learning not to get too over-zealous with the thrusting in mid-fellatio lest you accidentally trigger your fellatist’s gag reflex and end up with vomit all over your freshly trimmed pubes (trust me, you only make that mistake once).

Fortunately, I’ve gotten much smoother (and less chunks-covered) in the romance department, so I think I can apply all the lessons I’ve learned since college to what you’ll be experiencing right now. So tack up those posters, put the lube in the bedside table, and baby-powder your private parts, because you’re about to get schooled in five ways to make your college years drippingly delicious.

Rule No. 1 Embrace rejection. The first step to having good sex is finding someone to have it with. And not just any someone. I want you all to have sex with people hot enough to make your high-school exes seethe with jealousy. In my insecure, low-self-esteem-filled younger years, I was big on longing from afar—having secret crushes on people I felt completely unworthy of, just so I wouldn’t have to deal with the heartache of rejection. Then I got wise to the fact that rejection is really a badge of honor. Yes, it sucks to get dismissed by someone who makes your loins ache, but at least you’re taking an active role in your romantic life, rather than just waiting for whatever happens to fall in your lap. So that pain is actually a good kind of pain. And for all those times when you get shot down, you’ll find that the universe will ultimately reward you for taking the risk (believe me, I’ve had sex with people whose shoes I’m not fit to wipe my projectile semen off of—hmm, perhaps I still have a bit more work to do on that self-esteem thing). Bottom line: Don’t let your ego get all up in the face of your libido.

Rule No. 2: Remember junior high school. When you do manage to wrangle yourself a date with someone who makes you want to live out your wildest porno fantasies, do yourself a favor and restrain yourself (at least for a couple of weeks). Most folks shortchange what I like to refer to as the “junior high” phase of a relationship—that scorchingly hot getting-to-know-you part that involves lots of making out, crotch grinding and the petting of still-clothed body parts. There’ll be plenty of time to go at it full tilt, so while you’ve got the chance, milk the sublime experience of wanting more. Not only does it give you a chance to get to know each other better before letting it all hang out, it also lends itself to mind-blowingly good postdate masturbation sessions.

Rule No. 3: Follow these do’s and don’ts. Don’t have sex with your roommate (it’s bound to end in awkwardness). Straight guys, get yourselves a stash of toys (dildos, vibrators); chicks dig ’em, sometimes even more than they do your dick (sad, I know, but true). Straight gals, don’t forget to give some lingual attention to the testicles (I know they’re funny-looking, but they pack an erotic punch). Do forgive me for adding this necessary reminder to have safe sex (yes, it’s corny and clichéd, but what kind of sexpert would I be if I didn’t tout the condom usage?). Do feel free to experiment—with positions, orientation, orifices (more on that later), venues for sex, etc. Don’t over-groom. Your generation has gotten crazy with the hairlessness (guys with bald dicks, gals with Brazilians)—enough already. Guys, don’t worry about dick size. Yes, it matters, but not enough to drive yourself crazy over, especially as there’s nothing (short of surgery) you can do about it (no, those pumps and such don’t work). Gals, don’t settle for not having orgasms—your pleasure is just as important as his is, so make sure he goes downtown with the tongue if his cocksmanship isn’t cutting it. Don’t do drugs (your parents wrote and asked me to say that). Do let your tongue stray to out-of-the-way places, like the back of the knees, underarms and thighs (that one’s just in case you end up having sex with me). And finally, do write to me via my weekly sex column. I’ll keep your sex life fine-tuned all year long.

Rule No.4: Get off your ass. It probably wasn’t one of the reasons you decided to go to college in this city, but now that you’re here you should know that New Yorkers are ass-crazy. I’m not sure why it’s true (perhaps it has something to do with Manhattan’s elongated butt-crack shape, which, come to think of it, gives a whole new meaning to Columbus Circle), but it is. So you may as well wrap your head around the fact that, sooner or later, your ass (or the ass of someone you love) is going to be targeted for sexing up. Since national statistics show that more and more teens are becoming familiar with anal sex, this may not be foreign territory, but if it is, you should pick up a copy of Anal Pleasure and Health by Dr. Jack Morin. It’s the anal-sex bible (I always get a kick out of using those words together—it drivesall those wacko Righties crazy!). And yes, straight guys, this does apply to you, because, like it or not, after spending an appreciable amount of time here, you too will find yourselves craving a little rectal attention (I’ve got reams of e-mails to prove it).

Rule No. 5: Have sex with soul. By all means have lots of sex. Squeeze as much juice out of those young, hard bodies as you possibly can. But don’t forget that there’s just as much joy to be had from spiritual pursuits as there is from fleshly ones. Living with soul can mean anything from treating the people in your life (romantic and otherwise) with respect and common decency to dedicating time to helping those less fortunate. The city is filled with ways to volunteer, protest and explore your higher purpose. You don’t want to get to the end of the school year and realize that the biggest contribution you made to society was puddled in a reservoir tip or soaked into a mattress.

Send letters to Jamie Bufalino c/o Time Out New York, 475 Tenth Avenue, 12th floor, New York, NY 10018, or send e-mail to .