What your personal trainer is really thinking*

What’s your secret unhealthy habit?

“I drink at least two alcoholic drinks a day. But they are the least-caloric ones.”
“I love pizza.”
“Oreo cookies”
“I eat candy.”
“McDonald’s once a week”
“I drink too much wine.”
“Chocolate mousse cake every Sunday from my favorite bakery”
“My sweet tooth! If I didn’t work out, you could call me Pillsbury.”

Do any of the infomercial machines work?
“Machines are overrated. Your body needs to move on many planes and in functional ways that mimic real life. The NordicTrack is the only machine besides a treadmill that I recommend.”
“Work is a subjective term.”
“Bowflex if you use it right, but the others only work one muscle group—that’s not how you lose inches for the long run.”
“Do they do what they claim to do? No! But those infomercials are so much fun to watch.”

If you had your own infomercial machine, what would it be and what would you call it?
“Ballet bodies—a mix of high-intensity resistance training and ballet-based movement.”
“It would be called Butt Brigade. It would be a small contraption that isolated use of the buttocks. I’m still working on it.”
“The 30-Second Workout Wonder. ‘For just 15 minutes a month, you can look like me!’ The product would be a paragraph written on an index card that tells you there’s no miracle cure and you need to get your ass into the gym.”
“It would be a towel and I would call it…get ready for this one: the Towel! There are so many exercises that you can do with just a towel. You’d be surprised.”

Greatest mishap you’ve witnessed, while a client was working out?
“Once while demonstrating a bench press on a Swiss ball, my socks slipped and my dress flipped over my head.”
“Letting the loudest, smelliest fart you’ve ever heard blast out while on the leg press”
“I saw another trainer accidentally knock a bar off a rack onto a client.”
“Usually clients are checking out other members, or married guys are checking out other guys so you know they are gay on DL!”
“Someone throwing up after an exercise”
“A steel bench-press bar snapped and knocked a member out.”

Be honest, are you checking out my ass?
“If you’re cute, I probably took a peek.”
“If it’s an ass exercise, then yes. At least I have a professional reason. What’s yours for looking at mine?”
“No, usually your dick.”

Strangest request you’ve ever gotten, like “I want my clavicle to look bigger” or “I want to only focus on my forehead muscles”?
“‘I want my ass to get bigger.’”
“‘I want stronger fingers.’”
“‘I want a firm potbelly, the kind old men have,’ said by a 28-year-old woman.”
“They wanted to get rid of the wrinkles on their genitals.”
“I had a female client once tell me that she wanted to be able to beat up her boyfriend. So we did boxing, and I gave her a number to call for help.”

How many times a day do you look at yourself in the mirror, on average?

only one trainer said "once."

How much training did you have before you became a PT? What did the training entail?

63%
“I have an undergrad degree in dance. I have three national certifications (ACE, NASM, and NSCA-CSCS) as well as USA triathlon coaching and pre- and postnatal certification.”

25%
“I used a trainer and worked out for several years before becoming a personal trainer.”
“I was a college cheerleader.”
“Certification can take three to six months. A lot of people go to college for this. Personally I think that is crap. Being a trainer is something you can do or can’t, period.”

12%
“I walked in the door and said, ‘I want to work here and I took gym in high school.’ They told me to go to an in-house certification class that lasted two days, and the next thing I knew, I was on the gym floor.”

Which machines really work?
treadmills, ellipticals, step climbers and cable machines.

Which are useless?
“Adductor and abductor machines.”
“Anything that strengthens your hamstrings. No one ever wants more toned hamstrings.”
“Abdominal machines: You won’t even see a ‘two-pack’ until your body fat drops to under a certain percentage, which means proper nutrition.”
“Upright bicycle.”
“The Smith machine.”
“Elliptical.”
“Well, none will get you results if you don’t know what you are doing.”
“All of them.”

We hear that many male trainers pose for Playgirl. Is there truth to this? Have you?

“No, but I've done gay porn.”

Personal trainers are like bartenders and hairdressers in a way. What’s the most embarrassing thing someone’s ever revealed to you?
“That their balls were the size of raisins.”
“That they were once 300 pounds.”
“Women telling about their sexual past with other women”
“‘I woke up naked on my roof last night and I think I had sex with two people on the fire escape.’”
“Coke habits, threesomes, attempted murder (true story), bacteria-ridden vagina, caught cheating—you know, the normal stuff.”

NEXT in Gym guide 2009: Eschewing the fat»
Forget the big, chubby overall situation for a sec. Instead, focus on the parts you dislike most and work the hell out of them with these spot-specific fixes.