What your personal trainer is really thinking*

*Percentages don’t always add up to 100 because some interviewees chose not to answer certain questions. Consider the difference “no comment.”

What is the lamest excuse you’ve ever heard from a client who canceled?

“A client texted me at 3am saying not to come for our 9am session because he was up playing poker.”
“‘I’m still drunk.’”
“‘I can’t sweat today because I don’t want to mess up my hair.’”
“‘I want to make sure the help isn’t stealing laundry detergent.’”
“The dude who had no clean socks, so he canceled.”
“‘Sorry, I’m still high on coke from the night before.’”

How long does a client have to work with you to honestly start seeing results?

6 months “They could be on the road to being a new person.”
4–6 weeks “If they listen and do exactly what they are told.”
2 months “But it really depends on what they do when they’re not with you. They are as successful as they are driven. Luckily, there are a lot of driven people in NYC.”
2 weeks “A genetically gifted individual may see results in as little as that.”

Do protein powders work?

What is the most unusual thing you’ve said to encourage someone in getting in that last rep?
“I counted out all of the calories in a Thanksgiving meal for a group class last Saturday.”
“This will help you achieve your goal of getting fuck-ready.”
“Hamptons summer house”
“Do it for Obama.”

What are some of the most commonly heard self-deprecating refrains while working out?
“‘I can’t. I’m a fat fuck.’”
“‘I sweat too much, I am too weak.’”
“‘You are stronger than me and I’m a guy! How can you lift more than me?’”
“‘I’m not going to eat any bread—ever!’”
“‘I can’t do it because I’m a loser and that’s why nobody wants me.’”

What is the average number of sessions your clients work with you?
2–3 times a week.

Are there people who are really just big-boned?

“It’s a nice way of referring to someone with piss-poor genetics.”

When gym attendants scan our ID cards and see how infrequently we work out, are they judging us?

“We judge the butt-ass ugly pictures that a lot of people have and remember the names of the prettiest girls.”

“They are busy on Facebook.”

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