Good vs. evil

Blissful boozer vs. teetotaler

My first holiday party at TONY, a few years ago, wasn’t exactly what you’d call a resounding success. I intercepted shots of tequila meant for my boss (claiming to be his “proxy”), ended up spending nearly $100 on my cab ride home because I couldn’t properly direct the cabbie to Jersey City and, when I finally got home, cooked an entire pot of what I thought was spaghetti, but which turned out to be breakfast cereal.

That’s what passes for career power moves in my world.

Meanwhile, there’s my old buddy Greg, who’s ingested about three tablespoons of alcohol, total, over the course of his 27-year life. “When I was a freshman in high school, I discovered straight-edge hardcore bands and that kind of became my thing,” he says. “It was like my little rebellion.” While Greg and I traveled in similar nondrinking circles in college (after high school, I abstained completely), I eventually got bored and started saucing it up again in my senior year. “I just see no positive gains in my life that would be obtained through starting to drink,” Greg says. “I’d much rather be able to remain in control of my actions and retain my physical and mental health at its current state.”

Greg’s narrow worldview is at odds with my postwagon discovery that drinking gives me abilities beyond those of mortal men—like super strength, super sharp tongue, super sleeping ability and super slurring. We employed two medical professionals—Dr. Edwin Numsuwan, of Montefiore Medical Center, and Dr. David McDowell, an addiction psychiatrist in Manhattan—to help separate drunken delusion from reality.

—Drew Toal

BLISSFUL BOOZER

COST
“Over the course of a year, I’d estimate that I spend somewhere in the range of $1,500 on drinking and related activities. I could have had a new MacBook, 1,000 cups of coffee or a vacation. Instead I got a lot of headaches and lots of high fives.”

TASTE AND APPRECIATION
“I’m pretty into the taste of beer and whiskey. Change that to champagne and tequila and the enthusiasm drops precipitously.”

SOCIAL LIFE
“Sharing a Bud with your bud is an important social more. Almost as important as laying down cover fire for them in multiplayer Gears of War 2.”

Dr. McDowell says, “I don’t get worried until I hear about a man drinking three or more per night, three or more nights per week. For a woman, it is two drinks. That’s when, as a physician, I start to pay attention.”

HEALTH
“After a long night out, my best-laid plans to go for a run founder in the face of my crushing headache.”

“If alcohol is consumed faster than it can be metabolized, its by-products can inhibit the process by which the body produces glucose, its main fuel,” says Dr. Numsuwan. “That explains why it can be difficult to have a good workout after a drinking binge.”

ATTITUDE
“There is a small part of me that thinks I can’t have fun without booze. This, I think, stems from my first few years in college when I didn’t drink and was really bored most of the time.”

TEETOTALER

COST
“People always tell me I must save so much money not drinking…and I’m sure I do. But it never was a reason for me not to drink.”

TASTE AND APPRECIATION
“Since I wasn’t drinking in my formative years, I didn’t develop a taste for alcohol as most people do, and at this point I’m just not interested in acquiring a taste for, say, red wine.”

Wine isn’t necessarily better than Everclear, notes Dr. Numsuwan. “One gram of alcohol has seven calories, no matter the source. However, red wine has antioxidant polyphenols, which may protect against cardiovascular disease and cancer.”

SOCIAL LIFE
“My not drinking really has no visible effect on my social life. I find myself in the same venues, bars and restaurants as my drinking friends. I’ll usually hang for a few hours and get out of there as soon as it gets too loud to have a conversation.”

HEALTH
“I’m an early riser and get up for the gym before work each morning. I’m told that is much more difficult to do if you’ve been drinking the night before.”

News flash: The physical aspects of drinking affect your motivation, too. “Alcohol makes one tired and less efficient,” Dr. McDowell says, building on Dr. Numsuwan’s point. “One rarely sees people who are very hungover jumping out of bed and hopping on over to the gym.”

ATTITUDE
“I hate to relinquish control of my actions and responsibilities.”

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