Shrink rap

Meet the panel

The abusive coworker  |  The procrastinator
The loner  |  The commitment phobe
The rejected gay son  |  The cutter
The crime victim  |  The serial dater
The fast and the furious  |  The coaster

{Dilemma 8}

The serial dater
I just celebrated my 30th birthday with yet another guy who never called after our one night together. Every man I’m attracted to seems to be taken, married, gay or just in town for the week from Buenos Aires. I’ve had some fun here and there, but nothing ever lasts—my longest relationship was just four months—and we only met when his wife was out of town. I feel guilty when that happens, but I also crave the excitement. I’m getting older though and I guess it’s time to change my ways.

Sari Eckler Cooper: I would begin by asking what this woman’s goals are for her personal and professional life. Are there parts of her life where she feels she’s achieved some of her goals through long-term commitment and persistence? (I always look for strengths in other areas of a client’s life that could be transferable to the area in which they are feeling challenged.) This may be a case of a woman who feels incapable of committing or sending the message that she wants a longer more committed relationship. I would slowly review the night of her birthday with her to find clues as to what messages she might be unconsciously sending about who she is and what kind of relationship she’s looking for. Is she trying to escape certain feelings through her pursuit of men? Has she suffered from any mood disorders over the years? How does she feel on dates and/or in social situations? Did drinking alcohol cause her to behave in ways that she normally wouldn’t?

I would also like to know more about the excitement she gets when she’s dating a married man. Sometimes the pursuit, conquer and crash of a quick hookup can mimic the ways people use alcohol, drugs or food to achieve a high to self-medicate an undiagnosed depression. I would take what’s called a “sexual history” to find out how she has felt about herself as a sexual person from childhood on. I would work with her to figure out what lessons were learned from her family and if any boundaries were crossed in which she was forced to do something sexual against her desire.

Gordon Strauss: She might be attracted to unavailable men because it keeps them from getting to know the real her. The novelty of quick encounters is wearing off because the outcome is predictable. She’s shielding herself from both love and rejection. Most therapists deal with intimacy issues, and the kind of therapy she might choose is largely based on what she finds most comfortable. Keep in mind, however, that her tendency to move from one relationship to the next means that she might want to jump from one therapist to the next as well. If things are not working out with her therapist, she should try to talk about it in therapy rather than giving up; this might be the key to finding out why her other relationships similarly don’t last.

Allison Conner: If this person wants to get serious, she needs to be serious. In therapy, I would start by asking her about her relationship goals. If she wants to be in a stable, healthy relationship, she would need to take a relationship inventory and look at what transpired both internally and interpersonally during her previous involvements. One needs to define the problem before one can solve it. Therapy would be instrumental in diagnosing the issue, and help her to find other ways of thinking and behaving that would increase her chances of finding and maintaining a promising relationship. Any psychological or emotional reasons that have been influencing her to sabotage or derail budding relationships, or have been compelling her to pursue unhealthy connections, would be identified and worked on using CBT methods.