Shrink rap

Meet the panel

The abusive coworker  |  The procrastinator
The loner  |  The commitment phobe
The rejected gay son  |  The cutter
The crime victim  |  The serial dater
The fast and the furious  |  The coaster

{Dilemma 5}

The rejected gay son
Last year, I finally told my parents I was gay. I’m 21 and have been pretty sure I was gay since high school, and being away at college made it easier to come to terms with that. When I was 19, I had my first boyfriend and that lasted six months and it felt really right—though I won’t deny the conservative values I grew up with still haunt me. Since I told them, my dad has stopped talking to me, and my mom seems very tense. I have one younger sister who seems to know the score, but she keeps to herself. I love them, I guess, but my short Thanksgiving stay convinced me to make other plans for Christmas. How can I heal this rift?

Jill Chiara: This man was able to come out to his parents even though he was raised with conservative values, which indicates ego strength. His sister seems to be apprehensive when she is with the family, but may be supportive if the patient communicated with her when the parents were not around. Perhaps they need more time to accept the fact the he is gay. And if one or all family members would be willing to attend therapy with the patient, a group session may help them become more understanding and accepting. I would also recommend that the patient attend a gay support group regularly, where he could hear how others in his situation dealt with their families. Psychologically it’s comforting to know that you are not the only one going through a painful life experience.

Allison Conner: I would help the person to accept that in dealing with other people’s feelings and choices, one cannot control their reactions and responses; one can only try to influence them. The therapy could be useful in helping him find ways of communicating with his family in order to create and maintain a more comfortable atmosphere. One way of getting to that point could be for the person to invite each parent to express his or her discomfort and personal views on the subject. If the parents are willing to do so, it would be best for him to simply listen, without becoming defensive, and if possible, to empathize. If a direct discussion is too difficult, then writing letters can serve as an alternative avenue, until face-to-face interactions improve.

Colette Pycha: This person is not only coming to terms with identity, but also dealing with the pain surrounding the family’s response. I’d emphasize the importance of self-acceptance and self-support in dealing with this pain and explore the possibility of sharing his feelings about the cut-off family when an opening occurs, while being prepared for the full range of potential responses from them.