Shrink rap

Meet the panel

The abusive coworker  |  The procrastinator
The loner  |  The commitment phobe
The rejected gay son  |  The cutter
The crime victim  |  The serial dater
The fast and the furious  |  The coaster

{Dilemma 4}

The commitment phobe
I’m a 34-year-old male who’s two years into a relationship with a 36-year-old female. Most of my dating life I’ve been a serial monogamist. While my current relationship isn’t perfect, it’s strong and supportive. We say “I love you,” but whenever she brings up marriage, I change the subject. She hints that the clock is ticking and I sense she’s about to give me an ultimatum. I’m not sure why I don’t want to get married, but I don’t want to lose her.

Charles F. Ehrhardt: Instead of changing the subject, which only increases overall anxiety, why not have an open discussion about each of your expectations and worst-case scenarios and evaluate how realistic they are? Avoidance only increases the potential for disaster. Many, if not all, men reach this transitional point in their lives with great trepidation: What you’re giving up and what you’re getting must be weighed with the utmost thoughtfulness, as your life will change, in most cases, unalterably, or not without considerable discomfort. Reassessment of manhood, career priorities and the loss of certain privileges in exchange for increased responsibility are the most common conflicts. Individual therapy with a therapist skilled in digging up real feelings is essential.

Sari Eckler Cooper: People sometimes do have misgivings before they commit to a marriage for a variety of reasons, and addressing his conflicts before he decides that this is the person he wants to marry can be life enhancing and strengthening for both him and the relationship. I would offer coaching to a client who may have difficulty expressing his needs to his partner, and “rehearse” how he can discuss his feelings without getting too anxious or angry. I would also inquire about their sex life since many clients are not comfortable bringing these issues up right away, but which may lie at the heart of their emotional conflict. I let clients know early on in treatment that it is safe to discuss sexual issues just by asking open-ended questions about their sex life in an easygoing, nonjudgmental manner, (i.e., Are you having a sexual relationship? If so, how’s it going? If not, how did this decision come about?) I would ask if he or his girlfriend desire to have children and if so, does he or she have their heart set on having them through her becoming pregnant (versus adoption).

If he does want to have children and he wants them with this woman, I would focus more on questions about parenting, family life, fidelity and what signs would let him know that he was ready for these steps in life. Through an assessment of mood issues, sexual problems and relationship conflicts, I would choose a combination of techniques that might include exploration of ambivalence, homework assignments like keeping a journal and writing down fears as they come up, and sexual education about technique or desires (if needed).