Shrink rap

Meet the panel

The abusive coworker  |  The procrastinator
The loner  |  The commitment phobe
The rejected gay son  |  The cutter
The crime victim  |  The serial dater
The fast and the furious  |  The coaster

{Dilemma 3}

The loner
I moved to New York for work a year ago. I’m a reasonably friendly and attractive woman, 29 years old, who had lots of friends back on the West Coast. My job is nonstop and most of my time is spent alone in my office with the computer. Most of my coworkers are older, married or otherwise not great friend options. When I get home, I’m exhausted and end up ordering in. I look forward to the weekends, but end up running errands and just recovering from the week. I’m so lonely that I feel my normally sunny disposition is starting to sour. In another year or two, this job should settle down into one I really like, but I don’t think I can wait that long to have a life.

Marie-Helene Charlap: This is someone who’s very isolated and very ambitious. She’s definitely depressed and I’d take that very seriously. What are her priorities? She’s not taking time for herself or taking care of herself, and she’s not setting boundaries. I’d want to find out about what losses she’s had since moving here; what she’s afraid of. Maybe she misses her family. Her sense of self and self-esteem may be based too much on her job performance at the expense of other things in her life, like fun. I also wonder about her fear of intimacy. She uses her job as a way to avoid being close to people.

Colette Pycha: All work and very little play is a perfect set-up for burn-out and the development of depression. Waiting one to two years is too long. I’d discuss how a new move, new job and a new city not only involves opportunities for growth and change but carries loss…of friends, family and familiar places. I’d want to know more about how this has affected the person. I’d suggest finding ways to build in exercise and activities that the person enjoys and setting aside time each weekend for pleasure and socializing to meet new friends.

Matt Lundquist: She should not wait another year—or another minute!—to “have a life.” Having a life, in my opinion, means creating a life. The challenge of transitioning to a new city, with a new job and new surroundings, has left her feeling paralyzed—a not-uncommon experience. It sounds like the move is a good opportunity to create a new attitude, and a new way of looking at life by exploring, for example, her assumptions regarding what makes up “great friend options.” The challenge here is for her to discover ways of building new friendships with different kinds of people—perhaps with people than she might not have built friendships with in the past.