TONYPD in bed

Photograph: Michael Kirby

The couple/violators*:
Aaron, 25, and Katie, 29, who have been dating one month

Violation: Mood killing
Fifteen minutes into foreplay, Aaron gets up to turn off his phone and dim the lights. Indeed, these are measures that should be taken to set the mood, but not right in the middle of the sesh, while your lady lies naked and waiting. He had already premeditatedly turned on his fuck mix (Velvet Underground, Zero 7, Depeche Mode) and placed a glass dildo within easy reach (which went unused), so that would have been a good time to also deal with the phone silencing and lighting. Also missing at the scene of the screw: tissues and a glass of water. Very, very missing: shyness.

Violation: Hazardous sixty-nine
Aaron takes a romantic upside-down Spider-Man kiss and seamlessly transitions into a full-fledged sixty-nine position. The only problem? He’s on top. All the parts still line up, of course, but when the chick is on the bottom during simultaneous oral sexing, there can sometimes be an issue with, well, not being able to breathe. Sure enough, Aaron’s sack lays in her face like a pillow used to suffocate a rich, comatose relative with a generous will. I let him off with a stern warning, because Katie still managed to have an orgasm in this position—and it put me in the mood for tea.

Violation: Shooting without warning
Women love surprises—just not when it contains spermatozoa and is aimed at their esophageal passageways. In that case, we like to receive proper notice so we can act accordingly. Aaron has two orgasms, thanks to Katie’s fellatio finesse, but he does not give her a heads-up for either one of them. A simple “Hey, I’m about to come” or “Bombs away” or even “Unnnnnggggggghhhhhh” would have notified her of the impending fluid coming her way. Instead, it ruined her pretty makeup.Violation: Lack of variety in penetrating positions
The couple’s first kiss happened at 7:18pm. First penetration: 8:07pm. I give them mad props for a generous 49 minutes of foreplay, but they lose points on their lack of creativity with sexual positions. After the sixty-nine, it was missionary all the way, and although Katie orgasmed (yes, again!), a little variety would have been nice. Where’s the doggy style? Reverse cowgirl? Hell, how about a pile driver? Still, Aaron and Katie managed to rack up a cumulative nine orgasms throughout the romp, and when I left, they were snuggled in bed, eating Häagen-Dazs and planning their next round. Overachieving show-offs.

*Not pictured, and names have been changed to protect the horny