One tiny little problem

ABOVE THE BELT

Hairy Back
“I have a pretty hairy back. When I was growing up, my mom and her best friend would be cruisin’ down the shore and always had something to say about dudes with visible back hair. By the time I was 14, I was certain that I would need to go through a serious waxing regimen to ever get a girl to love me. When I finally got in a stable long-term relationship, my girlfriend said she actually likes my back hair, and that it’s a sign of sexual maturity. She thinks it’s nice to rub up hair against hair. So, hairy-backed guys: Take pride in the fact that you are a mammal, a natural living creature with natural body hair to keep you warm. Don’t buy into the image of a shiny, clean-shaven, pristine dude. There’s probably a girl out there who digs you.”—James, 25, Web designer

Uneven boobs
“I find that wearing a sheer top helps with my one-boob-is-more-spherical-than-the-other hang-up. I let one of the straps fall down to expose the perkier boob in a seductive Pre-Raphaelite kind of way. Then, if he insists on exposing me fully, I scramble to focus attention on him by performing oral sex. By this stage, he has forgotten my negligee and soon falls asleep. Scenario B involves six glasses of wine, two whiskey chasers and carpet burns.”—Rose, 24, student

Man boobs
“I’m a big guy: five-foot-eleven, almost 280 pounds. I’ve been big all my life. I never realized I had ‘man boobs’—or at least didn’t call them that—until that one Seinfeld episode. I’ve always felt insecure about my chest, but I’ve found that having a sense of humor about it helps alleviate the pressure and stress of sex. When I’m with my wife, I kid that my ‘boobs’ are bigger than hers. She squeezes them playfully, and I’ve even gone so far as to put on her bras—Chris Farley–style. She thinks it’s funny. If I’m really in the mood to poke fun, I’ll hide dollar bills or chocolate coins or some other treat under my boobs and make her dig around with her mouth to get it. It’s fun! I wasted a lot of years of my life worrying about how I look and what others think of me. I wish I could’ve told my fat 25-year-old self that there’s no such thing as sexy without a sense of humor. Women respond to confident, funny men. Man boobs and all.”—Gary, 39, book editor

Saggy boobs
“I’ve got pancake boobs—what my mom always called flapjacks. They’re really big and really saggy. You’d think they belonged to a 75-year-old woman. I was self-conscious about them for the longest time, but then I found that if I climbed on top of my partner and pushed them together with the insides of my elbows, or if I held my arms above my head—say, grasping a pipe or holding the frame of a doorway—it lifted them up. It looked hot. Also, if you’re going down on a guy, get those big, soft, saggy boobs involved. Alternate between giving him oral and rubbing his penis between your squished-together breasts. This works especially well when you’re all soaped up in the shower. I’ve never had a guy complain after I’ve pulled that one!”—Leona, 34, makeup artist

Fat belly
“Before I discovered alcohol, I perfected the ‘camisole method’—pulling my straps down so that my remarkable boobs would pop out, while keeping my stomach covered. It was a genius way of hiding tummy flub. Or, I locate his nearest flub zone and give it a squeeze; let him think about his hang-ups. The following positions were also off-limits: (1) legs over shoulders, (2) that rocking-chair-ish one, (3) me on top—unless I’m employing the ‘camisole method.’ If I’m feeling feisty, I hop on top, suck in and pull my shirt over my head, porn-style. I stretch seductively and take a moment to sweep my hair up. Unlike lying on my back, this position makes my tummy and boobs—all he cares about—look good. And remember: The best defense is a good offense. When a boy tries to lure me into an unflattering position, I take control, grab his wrists, pin him down and straddle. He thinks more about my sass than my bulge.”—Brie, 24, executive assistant