One tiny little problem

BELOW THE BELT

Giant nut sack
“My dick is pretty average, but I’m really self-conscious about my nut sack. It’s a lot larger than everything else. I read once that that’s a good thing—like, it gives me a higher sperm count or something—but I still worry that it looks freakish when a girl sees the whole package. One girl I hooked up with asked if I liked tea-bagging—I’m sure I would, but I was too embarrassed at the thought of her trying to squeeze my junk into her mouth that I refused to let her try. Stupid, right? I’ve tried other tactics to keep girlfriends from noticing just how large my testicles are—my favorite being the ‘pull-through,’ meaning I pull my dick through my boxers or jeans and that’s all she sees. Of course, that makes sex hard.… But once we’re ready to go, I just flip the girl into a doggy position so she can’t see my nuts when I drop my pants.”—Matt, 26, promoter

Tiny flaccid penis
“I suffer from significant shrinkage and have gone to great lengths to block any below-the-belt physical or visual contact unless I’m tumescent. The rare times that women have seen the tiny version first always bring a look of surprise and a frank ‘Where did that come from?’ when I’m erect. I’m quite the grower—probably an inch before the blood starts flowing; within a minute I’m 6¼ inches erect. Whenever I end up in a situation where I’m not raring to go at the right moment, I usually slow things down a bit. But when alcohol is involved, my discretion tends to falter. And let’s be honest, I have never been one to feign a headache or lie about shampooing my dog to avoid a potential booty call.”—Sam, 28, pediatrician

Butt zits
“This is so embarrassing: I’ve got assne. You know, like, acne of the ass? I’ve tried everything short of a dermatologist to get rid of it—facial cleansers, mud masks, even Proactiv. And the thing is, it’s really not a reflection of poor hygiene so much as shitty genes. Like, thanks, Mom; thanks for the assne! Anyway, when I first noticed it, I was mortified. I refused to hook up with anyone if it wasn’t pitch dark. And forget about getting your face near it—in fact, I’d do everything in my power to keep guys away from my ass and its assne. It was through that whole process of trying to ward off potential assne encounters that I learned my greatest sexual trick: giving the ultimate blow job. Seriously, I’m not just bragging. What I’ve learned to do with my tongue and mouth was an overcompensation for what I wouldn’t let others do to my ass. ”—Jeff, 28, composer

Transgender insecurity
“I love my body. Even as a shemale, I like pretty much all of me, on account of bein’ gorgeous: It’s just my cross to bear, I guess. Initially, when I didn’t like my body, it was for pretty obvious things: I felt enormously uncomfortable with having a dick, and body hair made me twitch. My angst over specific parts vanished once I normalized on estrogen, but I still felt like I wasn’t pretty enough, thin enough (always a classic), curvy enough… The list goes on. Every time someone looked at me on the street, I was convinced they were deriding me in their head. Over time, I kind of made a list of traits that I found attractive. Pretty high on that list was confidence. I decided to embody what traits I could, and, well, poof. I just changed my mental landscape, since I couldn’t really change the physical one.”—Zhaira, 25, barista

Hairy feet
“Feet! That’s my hang-up. I shave my toes every day in the shower—God forbid my boyfriend see a hair on one of them! I always wear socks during sex, and it helps to pull on the striped baseball-style ones. My boyfriend thinks it’s more of a fetishy thing than me just hiding my ugly feet!”—Julie, 22, production assistant

Misshapen punani
“Okay, so my cooch—I hated it for the longest time. I’ve always known it didn’t look quite normal: It’s bigger and longer than what you see in movies, and one boyfriend made a joke like it was ‘double the pleasure—two pussies in one.’ But then I got this other boyfriend and he was like, ‘I don’t care what it looks like, so long as I’m in it.’ And that made me feel really good. We tried some different positions—including this sorta-sideways scissor thing—and he said it was some of the best sex he’d ever had!”—Alisha, 18, student

Smelly box
“For all of my twenties and much of my thirties, I would never let a man go down on me. I was terrified that I might smell or taste bad. You hear all these stories, you know? WhenI finally did, it was with a longtime boyfriend. He said the most complimentary things—that I tasted like candy, stuff like that—but I still felt very uncomfortable. Then, one day, I remember seeing a bumper sticker that said VEGETARIANS TASTE BETTER. It got me thinking… Hmm, really? I’ve been vegetarian the past four years, and I think it’s made a remarkable difference! I never smell anything on myself, and my current boyfriend thinks I’m scrumptious!”—Caroline, 40, set designer

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