A routine checkup

Photograph: Neil Beckerman

The routine
“As an urban gay guy, I’m supposed to enjoy regular, inventive sex with a slew of fellows, but for the past six years, the only person I’ve nailed is my partner. Just as we’ve settled into routines regarding household chores, we’ve settled into a fairly comfortable routine in the bedroom. I doubt either of us could wield props or role-play while keeping a straight face.”

The upgrade
Morpheus: “Who said you need to keep a straight face? Sex is supposed to be fun. Talk about your fantasies; after dinner surprise him in the kitchen while he is washing up by dropping to your knees and telling him that he didn’t cook dessert and you want some.”
Kelly: “Laughter and sexual arousal share some commonalities, such as flushed skin, sensitivity to touch, change in voice patterns. Can you imagine combining a belly laugh and an orgasm?”

The routine
“In bed, I like it really hard and nasty and rough. Hair pulling, biting, scratching and the dirtiest words you’ve ever heard. But my fiancé is one of those sweet ‘make love’ types. It’s such a turnoff! I told him I like it hard, but when he tries, I just laugh. I mean, I hear him say, ‘I want to fuck your pussy’ and all I see is, like, him in a Christmas sweater handing out presents to underprivileged children.”

The upgrade
Morpheus: “Unleashing someone’s inner Dominant is a challenge. The book Bound to Be Free helped me understand other perspectives and was seminal in really unlocking mine. Read it together, then plan a special evening and rent the movie Secretary. If he doesn’t turn out to be a spanking fan, the movie will at least let him see your point of view.”

The routine
“I’ve been with my girlfriend for five years, so we’ve fallen into patterns. The usual suspects are some oral pleasures given by one or both of us. Then, my favorite would have to be her on top, but she likes to lie on her front and have me play with her butt while the wang penetrates. If we haven’t reached the climactic moment during the session, masturbation is the name of the game. Blow jobs have been more frequent, but I am missing out on the butt sex (we’ve dabbled once or twice, but she says it hurts too much).”

The upgrade
Kelly: “If you’re feeling adventurous, ask your partner about the specifics of what hurts during anal sex and what feels good during your digital-anal penetration play. Learn from your mistakes and successes, then have her penetrate herself with a vibrator while you throw down some of your new and improved butt-sex maneuvers.”

The routine
“Since the guy I’m sleeping with has a girlfriend, we meet at his place during our lunch break. We start to kiss, softly at first, and then more heatedly. He removes my pants, then underwear, leaving everything else on. He lays down a towel (since he lives with his girlfriend and technically it’s her bed). He goes down on me but only for a few seconds. We follow up in the missionary position for a few thrusts. He then pulls my legs up on his shoulders, and we continue like this, him moving slowly (unlike most men who jackhammer away). When we’re done, he pulls off his condom and wraps it in the towel. He kisses me on the cheek. We walk out separately. He tosses the towel in the Dumpster.”

The upgrade
Morpheus: “How about sexing up the dining room table or public restrooms? What the hell is up with that kiss on the cheek? Just grab him, kiss him deeply and in a seductive voice say, ‘Never again will you leave without kissing me passionately.’”
Kelly: “Hey, who am I to judge? Maybe casual sex is what really turns you on, or the disposable nature of the condom and the towel, or the thrill of being discovered by his girlfriend, or defiling another woman’s bed or man for that matter? Enjoy it while it lasts and hope for no casualties. Maybe journal about the elements of your interludes and why they really turn you on, to help you discover additional outlets for your sexual gratification.”