One couple, three therapists

Illustration: Liz Ricardi

The couple
James, 31, is an investment banker, and Melanie, 32, is a freelance makeup artist; they’ve been married six years and have an 18-month-old daughter. Between the stress of the new baby and their jobs, the pair squabble constantly. That tension is just one cause of their nonexistent sex life. Still, they feel divorce is not an option.

Therapist 1:
Jonathan Alpert
Alpert is a licensed psychotherapist and Metro advice columnist (19 W 34th St between Fifth and Sixth Aves; 212-947-7111, jonathanalpert.com)
Alpert’s approach: “I don’t spend countless sessions looking into their family history. I look at where they are now and where they’d like to be, while keeping a positive focus on strategies for improvement. I asked them, ‘What are your goals?’ and ‘What could you change about yourself to improve the relationship?’ Then, I had them discuss each other’s strengths. I also gave them homework. Once a day, they should sit for 15 to 20 minutes and focus on being good listeners, validating each other and asking open-ended questions. I also told them to plan a date night. I even gave them a handout on how to argue better.”
Says James: “His attitude is easygoing, but he’s also direct—he doesn’t just sit back and nod. He gave us suggestions on the spot. He doesn’t want to suck you in for five years; he wants to get to the root of the problem and send you on your way. I feel like we made progress already.”
Says Melanie: “He made us look in the mirror and see how we could each improve. He encouraged James to work on his anger management and also gave me suggestions on how not to personalize his moods. For example, if James comes home in a bad mood from work, he should say, ‘Honey, I’ve had a tough day, give me half an hour to unwind.’ I’d like to give the communication exercise he gave us a try, but who has that kind of time?”

Therapist 2:
Ane Weed
Weed has a marriage and family therapy license and a clinical-hypnosis certification (1133 Broadway at 26th St, suite 1107; 917-557-5175, aneweed.com)
Weed’s approach: “I noticed a miscommunication between the couple: She wants him to see her as attractive and exciting, but he internalizes it as ‘I’m not being good enough’ and gets defensive. We did an exercise where they took turns just listening to each other. I also did a hypnosis process to get them in touch with their own self-appreciations, because feeling good from within is what attracts another person.”
Says James: “She told us to sit back and listen to each other, but she didn’t really address how to avoid situations. I also don’t believe in hypnosis, so I was a bit perplexed. She was very nice, but it wasn’t the right treatment for us.”
Says Melanie: “While the hypnosis relaxed me, it didn’t do much for us as a couple. I did see one vision: I felt like I was trapped in a clean pothole. Maybe that means I feel trapped? The open dialogue was great because it forced me to talk to my husband rather than her, the third party. She gave us a good suggestion on how to be more affectionate: We have to step out of our comfort zone.”

Therapist 3:
Kevin Brennan
Brennan is a licensed clinical psychologist (1430 Broadway at 40th St, suite 304; 908-249-3554, drkevinnyc.com)
Brennan’s approach: “I use half cognitive behavioral therapy (finding people’s thought patterns and changing them) and half relational therapy (using a patient’s relationship with the therapist as a model ground for how they can behave differently). It was clear that Melanie wears the pants, so I tried to get on James’s side a bit to equalize things. That’s an example of relational therapy. Once he felt like he had a voice, he stood up for himself.”
Says James: “He used a lot of psychology to get to the root of things, such as analyzing how our parents’ qualities relate to our partner. That was a bit Psych 101 for me. Overall, he’s straightforward, has a good personality and gave us suggestions.”
Says Melanie: “He covered a lot of area in a short amount of time and he gave us a bit more out-of-the-box solutions. I thought it was interesting how he connected our parents to our partners. When he got us thinking about how we met, the whole room shifted. We felt more levelheaded than hotheaded.”

In the end…
The couple says they will continue therapy. “It was definitely helpful,” says Melanie. “Many couples seek therapy if they’re ordered to by the court. But I think couples should seek it when they’re just starting to feel unhappy, when they know it’s not just a phase. We liked both Alpert and Brennan so much that we can’t decide who to go back to! I’m leaning toward Dr. Brennan…it’s the difference between Saks and Macy’s!”

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