Get naked

Q I’m a 37-year-old woman, happily married for eight years. My husband has recently brought a new request into the bedroom, one I suspect he’s picked up from watching online porn. Basically, he wants to come all over my face. I’m happy to let him let loose on my boobs, stomach, even in my hair if he wants—but my face is off-limits. I can’t really give a good reason other than I really don’t like the idea. Obviously, this annoys him and has caused a few fights. What to do?

A I’m all for people having boundaries and their sex partners being respectful of them, but I kind of insist that something (within reason) is given a try before it’s completely scratched off the to-do list. Talk to him about what bothers you about the idea, come up with a strategy for how he can make the experience more palatable for you (e.g., he doesn’t have to deliver a full load all over your mug) try it and then if you really do hate it, that’s the last you’ll hear about it. He’ll love you for giving it a go, I’ll love you for broadening your own horizons, and you can feel good about either discovering a hot new sex trick or never having to have that bukkake fight ever again.

Q I am really struggling with relationships/dating. I come from a traditional, religious family where dating was more than frowned upon, and I quickly became the tramp of the household (even when dating just meant going to the movies). I do have an STD and have tried the STD dating sites, but haven’t met anyone close to intriguing. These two issues have really made dating complicated! I’ve tried everything and cannot find one love interest. I guess I have had too many one-night stands, and I’m eternally jaded that it is possible to find an actual relationship. Is there any hope for me in the dating/relationship/marriage world?

A Unfortunately, it sounds like you’ve internalized your family’s “tramp” label (even though you don’t really fit the bill) and you feel like loneliness is your punishment for being sexual. First of all, let me point out that even people who’ve been married for decades have one-night stands in their past (and plenty also have STDs), so it would be illogical to assume that God (should she exist) has suddenly developed a no-sexy-times-while-single policy that she’s decided to enforce solely with you. These “where, oh, where is the man for me?” questions are always the hardest to answer, because finding someone to spend your life with is as much a complete crapshoot as it is a process of making sure you’ve got your shit together enough to recognize the proper guy when he comes along. Basically, what you need right now is a pep talk: There is nothing wrong with you. You deserve to be loved just as much as every other human being. You are, by the way, also strong enough to lead a solo existence should that be your path, so I wouldn’t get hung up on the idea that some man out there is the be-all and end-all. But should you really want to get married, there’s absolutely no reason why that can’t happen, as long as you don’t use jadedness and past disappointment as excuses to shut yourself down and keep the rest of the world at bay.

This column is dedicated to a group of lovely people who work at a certain flower shop in Southeast Louisiana (I won’t say which one because I know some Southerners don’t take kindly to town folk embracing kinky Yankee sex and wouldn’t want to set off any boycotts). Anyhow, thanks for your kind letter and I hope you keep digging Get Naked, TONY and New York City.

Send letters to Jamie Bufalino c/o Time Out New York, 475 Tenth Avenue, 12th floor, New York, NY 10018, or send e-mail to sex@timeoutny.com.