Get naked

Q I have what my boyfriend calls a fetish. We can be lying in bed, seemingly too tired for sex. Nearly dozing off, I’ll rub his back. Soon, I’ll feel more energized. I’ll find myself turning him over, saying, “Let’s see what we find.” That starts one of our routines: I straddle him and pop zits on his back. (Even when there are no zits, I’ll scour and push pores.) I think I’m naturally a tense person, and the zits are my easy way in—like little orgasms. I push them and they come. I usually find myself with enough interest and energy for sex after a good zit popping. Is this a fetish, a problem or a harmless quirk of our love life?

A Believe it or not, some crackpots are still screaming about me being “kink negative” simply because I wrote that I “don’t really get the whole S&M thing.” So you’d better believe I find this zit-popping jazz to be the most exciting new invention since the ball gag. Is it a fetish? Sure, why not? After all, the definition of a fetish is “an object or part of the body that causes a habitual erotic response or fixation.” A problem? Certainly not. Anything that gets you more in the mood for sex is a good thing. A harmless quirk of your love life? That last one probably explains it best because the zit popping is really an expression of how intimate the two of you are willing to be with each other, so congrats on having such a deeply invested relationship. Do I think it will catch on as a widespread sexual practice? If I were to give my honest opinion I’d say no, but since some people out there seem to think we all have to be turned on by the same things, who knows?

Q I’m a 29-year-old straight guy and the only issue I have is that I can’t seem to get the women I sleep with to talk as dirty as I want them to in bed. It really gets me hot when a woman gets filthy, talking about how she likes sucking my big dick (I actually have an average one, which is why I really like that brand of dirty talk) and how she wants me to fuck her hard, etc. I’m not going to stop and critique her performance in the middle of it, so I kind of just have to make do with mediocre dirty talk. Is there any way around this?

A What you have to do is find a woman who shows real dirty-talk potential (even if it isn’t completely up to your standards at first) and work with her on it over a few different sex sessions. You can’t expect to get what you want if you keep starting from scratch with people. Although, one other thing you can try is setting the tone with your own dirty talk, so the ladies will know just what level of filthiness you’re okay with. After all, no woman wants to take the risk of saying something like “I’m going to suck that big cock so hard your balls are going to end up in my mouth with your come” when it turns out all the guy was looking for was something along the lines of “My, what glowing, healthy skin your pee-pee has.” So you should take control of the action first, and while you’re, say, going down on her, let the sex talk rip—letting her know exactly what your tongue intends to do to her “big juicy pussy” (or whatever—this is awkward when you’re forced to put it down in print, not only while you’re not in the middle of sexy times but while you’ve got Meet the Press on in the background). But basically, I think sexual familiarity is going to give you the deliciously repulsive, nasty results you’re looking for.

Send letters to Jamie Bufalino c/o Time Out New York, 475 Tenth Avenue, 12th floor, New York, NY 10018, or send e-mail to sex@timeoutny.com.