Interview: Tucker Max

Have you been getting a lot of ass on your tour?
Be serious. Of course.

What’s it like to screw Tucker Max?
I’m pretty vanilla sexwise. I’m so fucking fucked-up and crazy in the rest of my life that sex is my safe place [Laughs]. I’m into missionary, doggy style, maybe a reverse cowgirl on her birthday. I like to be in charge.

Are you hoping to score tonight?
I don’t hope. If girls want to hook up, they flirt with me. If not, no problem.

So what’s your approach?
There’s a saying: Two bulls are on a hill looking out on a field full of 50 to 100 cows. The young bull says to the old bull, “Let’s run down there and fuck one of those cows.” The old bull says, “No man, let’s walk down there and fuck them all.”

That’s your approach?
Yes.

What’s your advice to lads here?
First: Don’t lie and manipulate women for sex. Once you know what you want—a relationship, sex or even spanking—you can find someone else who wants it, too. Second, don’t be obsessed with meaningless bullshit status markers. If you care about status, then marry Tinsley Mortimer.

Got any good pickup lines?
“I’m Tucker Max” works great for me. If you use a line, make it funny or goofy. Like, “I can’t believe you wore that! I have the same outfit at home. I almost wore it out tonight!” Be sincere or funny, not aggressive or creepy.

Let’s say you’re at a bar having a great conversation with a woman. How do you seal the deal?
[Leans forward] “Ready to go?”

That’s all you say?
When it’s time to go, it’s time to go.

What’s your morning-after strategy?
If you don’t want the girl there, say, “All right, you have to go.” If you like her, say, “Let’s get breakfast.” It’s not poker. Just put your fucking cards on the table.

Be honest, you mean?
The point isn’t, “Be honest”; it’s “Don’t lie.” If I just met you, I wouldn’t dump my soul on you and tell you that I almost fucked a post-op transsexual. But if we’re going to hook up, I might tell you that there’s stuff you should know about me.

Anything you’d like to say to the women of New York?
Be patient with guys. It takes us longer to mature. Date older until we catch up.

Good advice.
Sometimes I don’t understand how I get ass. Why would any girl want to tolerate me? Then I look around and think, Oh, it makes sense. Among the midgets I am a giant.—Interview by Lauren Levinson

Want to date Tucker? E-mail tuckerm@tonypersonals.com, if you must.

Read three stories from his new book Assholes Finish First

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