Ten rules for having a one-night stand in New York City

Eugene Mirman

1. “Always ask if they’re married first.”—Cy Vance, Democratic candidate for Manhattan district attorney

2. “Two rules: Use a condom and don’t give them your phone number.”—Melissa, employee at Fantasy World Sex Shop

3. “Wear your naughty-but-less-expensive lingerie. In the heat of passion, he’ll be tearing it at the seams. This is not an occasion for your best La Perla.”—Rebecca Apsan, owner of Le Petite Coquette

4. “Talk about how you think that marriage is immoral. People will be like, That person is not serious about a relationship. Be like, ‘I hate kids!,’ but not in a dangerous way. Also: Wear open-toed shoes, especially if you want a weirdo fetishy person.”—Eugene Mirman, comedian

5. “New York City doors tend to lock automatically—don’t think you’re getting back in if you sneak out in the middle of the night and you’ve forgotten something. And when undressing, don’t throw your clothes all over the place. Put them in a nice, neat little pile, with keys and cash tucked into a shoe. You’ll thank yourself later.”—Max Shen, man-about-town

6. “If you’re pretty certain you’re not gonna play two, make sure it’s an away game.”—Peter Alson, writer and professional poker player

7. “I’ve got one word for you: roofies. Keep an eye on your drink.”—Dymitri, Duane Reade pharmacist

8. “Carry Mace and Viagra. The Mace is to protect yourself when she demands more sex and you’re spent, and the Viagra is in case she takes away your Mace.”—Jeffrey Michelson, author of Free Love

9. “Have a purse big enough that you can always stash a pair of foldable Chinese slippers ($12 at Pearl River). Nothing says, ‘Hey, I’m doing the walk of shame!’ like teetering past Sunday-morning churchgoers in your six-inch Louboutins.”—Peri Lyons, psychic to the stars

10. “Stick to your borough. It’s a shorter walk of shame!”—Matthew, West Village bartender

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