“The Sex Writers’ Panel”

Jonathan Ames, author
Excerpt from Dirty Words (A Literary Encyclopedia of Sex): “Then, suddenly, she convulsed and there was a gush of warm liquid into my face that would not stop. I’m not joking when I say that I felt like I was drowning, but I kept on licking through this rain-storm as she thrashed about wildly. At first I thought she was urinating on me while orgasming, but then, though I was in a state of shock, it dawned on me that I was experiencing—as an observer and recipient—the first vaginal ejaculation of my life!”
Explains Ames: “As with many elements of writing, I follow the advice of two great authors—Charles Schulz and Ernest Hemingway. When I was a child, I read some interview with Schulz in which he said—or so I seem to recall—that the key to cartooning was to feel the character’s emotion while you drew them. So if Charlie Brown was sad in a particular panel, then Schulz would feel sad while drawing him. I read somewhat similar advice from Hemingway when it came to writing action scenes—that you had to break down the moments, vividly and with clarity, recall the feelings, and report from there. All this I took to sex writing: I feel the feelings and break down the moments, almost mechanically. So personally, I don’t find writing about sex difficult, but I’m also lacking some kind of social filter. I would characterize my penchant to overdisclose as a benign form of sociopathic behavior.”

Reverend Jen, sex columnist
Excerpt from Live Nude Elf: The Sexperiments of Reverend Jen: “We sat down and played beer pong, which was followed by a game of Seven Minutes in Heaven. [Then] Orion announced that it was time for him to fuck a jar of mayonnaise. Of the many condiments that disgust me, mayonnaise is at the top of the list. Part of me wanted to flee in horror. ‘He needs a fluffer!’ Erin insisted, looking at me. I followed Orion to his bedroom where I gave him what he later said was an ‘incredible’ blow job. Once he was hard, he journeyed into the living room pants-less. Erin handed him a massive open jar of mayonnaise that she had bought at the 99-cent store. It wasn’t even brand-name. He held the jar in both hands and thrust his penis into the revolting mixture.”
Explains Jen: “Obviously, the above scenario describes my lover having sexual relations with a jar of mayonnaise. It illustrates just how chaotic my life became while writing a sex column. I never found writing about sex particularly challenging—the big challenge lay in trying to hold together any semblance of a normal life while doing it. The parts of my book that were the most difficult to write involve love and heartache, but love doesn’t sell as well as mayonnaise fucking.”

SEE IT LIVE! “The Sex Writers’ Panel”: Museum of Sex (233 Fifth Ave at 27th St; 212-689-6337, museumofsex.com). Tue 14 at 7:30pm, $10–$12.

See more in Sex & Dating