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Q I am a 25-year-old heterosexual woman who recently started dating a guy, and the sex is amazing. He likes it pretty rough—and I’ve learned that I do too. I’ve never really had “rough sex” before, but the hair pulling, spanking, slapping, etc., have made the sex really intense and I love it. The thing I don’t love is spending the next five days walking around with bruises. It doesn’t hurt at the time, but afterwards all my “fun” really shows. Is there anything I can do to reduce the chances of looking like I was mugged and getting the third degree from people I work with?

A That’s a toughie. I suppose you could ask him to keep the roughhousing focused on areas of the body that are covered by work clothes—the butt, thighs, nipples, etc. But that might take a bit of the spontaneity out of the act, and we certainly don’t want that to happen. We also don’t want to confine your sexy time to weekends only. That’s why I propose that you make a very public declaration about your new passion for…kickboxing, or karate, or some other pastime that has the potential to leave bruises. Once you give your coworkers an alternate explanation, they’ll eventually shut up and mind their own business.

Q I’m a 37-year-old gay man who loves sex. I had an FB (fuck buddy) and now he’s my BF. We have great sex and an open relationship, but he drinks and smokes like crazy, flirts with other boys, respects me, but loves to brag about his other encounters, and I hate hearing about his adventures. I wondered if we’re better off going back to being FBs, or if I should keep him as a BF and make new rules—like don’t ask, don’t tell; please stop smoking; don’t get wasted; etc. We’re too old to change and single life in New York sucks, so should I hold on to my man?

A Basically, it sounds like you’re not a dude who should be in an open relationship. The “don’t ask, don’t tell” rule might work, but then you’ll just be tortured by your own imagination whenever he goes missing for a few hours. A better rule might be to require that all extracurricular play involve both of you. As for the smoking and the drinking, I wouldn’t expect any miracles just because you nag him about it. He’s going to have to come to the conclusion that he’s being self-destructive on his own. That means you have to figure out whether you’re into staying with him as he is, or whether his bad habits turn you off so much that it’s worth braving single life again to find a relationship that’s more to your liking. Thirty-seven is not old, and single life does not suck so bad that you should be forced to put up with shit that makes you unhappy. At this point, I’m leaning toward telling you to go back to the fuck-buddy situation, but ultimately that’s a call that you’re going to have to make.

Q I’m a bi woman in my thirties, and just started dating a new woman. We’re getting ready to sleep together, but I’m having performance anxiety. How do I talk with her about what she’d like in bed without getting too processy or clinical? And when’s the right time: in bed or out?

A Definitely in bed. There’s no way the “tell me what you want me to do to you” question can become clinical when you’re in a position to jump right in and make it happen. It’s only when you try to discuss this stuff over coffee that things get awkward. And let me be clear: When I say talk about it in bed, I don’t mean start a full-on dialogue on the pros and cons of nipple licking, I mean dive in and ask for bits of guidance as you go. And don’t expect wonders during your first time together. You’re allowed to be merely a good fuck in the beginning, as long as you show potential for being a great one down the road.

Send letters to Jamie Bufalino c/o Time Out New York, 475 Tenth Avenue, 12th floor, New York, NY 10018, or send e-mail to sex@timeoutny.com.

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