Urine love

Q One beautiful spring afternoon, my boyfriend and I were at a picnic in Central Park with plenty of great wine, beer and food…but no bathrooms nearby. After around three hours of relaxing, my boyfriend and I were both more than a little anxious to use a restroom. So we went for a walk around the park to find one. Ten minutes passed, and we still had no luck…but now the situation was getting desperate. So we grabbed our stuff, and told our friends that we were going to head home. When we finally reached our apartment, we each dashed for one of two bathrooms. Orgasmic moans ensue, and 30 seconds later, I yell, “This is almost as great as sex! I’m still going!” “Me too!” my boyfriend screams. “I can barely stand up.” Immediately after, we hit the sack for some of the best sex we had ever had. Over the next few days, we tried to think of ways we might be able to repeat or improve this awesome experience. At last, we came up with a brilliant idea. One of the drawbacks of our bladder-draining ecstasy was that we were away from each other in different bathrooms. Our solution: adult diapers. We ordered a pack of designer diapers online and developed the steps to have what we call a “peegasm.” The first step is to drink to the point where you and your partner have seriously full bladders…then you drink just a little more. Next, you strip down to your birthday suits and help each other put on diapers. Then you jump on the bed, latch on to your partner in your favorite cuddling position…and both completely let go! As you caress your partner, you are overcome by the joy of relieving your bladder, seriously aroused by the warm fluid oozing over your sensitive parts, and you feel naughty as all hell for absolutely peeing yourself. After the peegasm finishes, you continue to make out with your partner until you are thoroughly turned on. Finally, you tear off the diapers, quickly wipe off and get it on the traditional way in search of orgasm No. 2.

A As soon as I read this letter I thought, Oh God, I can’t really fault them for coming up with a novel, mutually satisfying way to have sex, but I also can’t really fake not being grossed out at the concept of having sex while covered in the detritus of a pee-filled diaper. Why, I asked myself, didn’t they just take a shower after the peegasm? But then I read the letter again, and I have to be honest, I got totally turned on. Yeah, baby. Enough with being civilized. Let’s drink until our bellies are distended (and let’s throw in a few orders of spareribs here, too) and then bask in the joy of letting it all go. Ahhhhhhhhhh. Hey, I have an idea: While we’re in the process of drinking ourselves to the point of peegasm, why don’t we draw a nice bubble bath? That way when it’s go time we can jump in, cuddle in the warm, soapy water and then have our sweet release, our mingling yellow liquids washing over us as we begin to add some sex juice to the coital soup. Aw, who am I kidding? I’m way too persnickety for this golden-shower or -bath or -diaper business. But I’m sure you’ve given a lot of my less dainty readers a renewed respect for the benefits of a nice six-pack of beer.

Q Let me start by saying I feel mortified just by telling this story. So here goes: I was fooling around with this guy, but I’m not into giving oral or going all the way until I’m sure they’re worth it. Anyway, he took it upon himself to start masturbating. No biggie; my stomach became his own personal come rag. Now to the finale, when he finished…ugh, I hate this part of the story…he ate his come. Yes, it’s true, like it was chicken noodle soup—every last drop! And he proceeded to say, “It’s a good source of protein!” I was completely in shock! Needless to say I never saw him again. I talked to another girl he was previously with and he did the same thing with her! I’m all about trying new things, but eating your own spooge? Really?

A Sheesh, and I thought I was persnickety. What’s the big deal? Granted, it’s usually not the load blower who laps up his own jizz, but it’s not like the ingesting of come is some kind of freak act. I have news for you: At the risk of being too self-revelatory, I’d wager that every guy has tasted his own spooge at some point in his life. It’s the curiosity, not the protein, that’s just sooo irresistible. Perhaps this guy went a little overboard by lapping up every last drop, but I certainly don’t think he deserved that “Needless to say I never saw him again” line. Obviously, if you weren’t comfortable with what he did, then of course I get why you dropped him faster than a loaded diaper, but I just don’t want you thinking (and spreading the word) that he’s some kind of crazed sex fiend.

Q I am a 31-year-old woman, and suffice it to say that my teens and most of my twenties were a nightmare. Although I’ve had sex with many, many men, most of my experience has been in the “drunken starfish” position. I had a boyfriend when I was in high school, but virtually every sexual experience I’ve had since I was 18 has been a one-night stand. I spent the first part of my twenties drinking, using drugs and just generally trying to kill myself. Now I am a fairly well-adjusted, healthy and recovering person who is interested in a long-term relationship with another healthy person. The problem? Well, I’m not sure what my sexuality is. I am definitely sexually attracted to men, but when I think about getting married or having a life partner, the idea of it being with a man is not something I really feel like I want. I’m also attracted to women, though not sexually. I guess I have some “mother issues,” because most of the women that I have a deep attraction to are older and very maternal. What I want from them is not sex, but rather to crawl up into their laps and have my hair stroked. What’s the deal with this? Am I straight? Gay? Bi? Please help.

A I’ll do my best, but I’m still trying to figure out what the “drunken starfish” position is—right now, I’m leaning toward something anus-related. Although I can understand your confusion, I don’t think your orientation is really in doubt. You’re sexually attracted to men and not sexually attracted to women, so that would make you straight. The problem is that you don’t have many good memories that involve having sex with men while feeling nurtured and safe. That’s why a family life seems so much more appealing when there’s another woman sharing it with you. You’re right, you clearly do have some “mother issues,” and that emotional neediness is not really a good foundation to base a family unit upon—especially if there’s not going to be any sex involved. I think you should stay focused on finding a guy who can give you what you need both sexually and emotionally, and keep working on summoning up the strength and peace within you to know that you’re more than capable of taking care of yourself.

Send letters to Jamie Bufalino c/o Time Out New York, 475 Tenth Avenue, 12th floor, New York, NY 10018, or send e-mail to sex@timeoutny.com.

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