Tough love

Q I am a 30-year-old heterosexual woman. I'm attractive, intelligent and confident. In the bedroom, however, I am sexually timid. I have always had a fairly stable, but boring, sex life. I have a bunch of sexual desires that I always keep to myself. I am completely turned on by the idea of a group orgy, or a sex party, and I have an unrelenting fantasy of being dominated by a man. I guess you could call it a "rape fantasy," although I feel awkward saying that. I think therein lies a bit of my problem. You see…I have never actually voiced this or any other desire to any partner I have ever had, because I am way too nervous to express it for fear of a negative reaction. I usually let the man run the show, and just hope that he may be interested in getting a little (or a lot) rough. Anyway, for obvious reasons, I have never had any fantasy fulfilled. Recently, I was browsing through Craigslist and I came across an ad from a guy who described himself as a "dom" who was looking for a "sub." The mere words he had written turned me on like no others, and I contemplated writing to him. Still, I am terrified to do it. I mean, I think it would be easier for me to be open and be experimental with a stranger because the fear of judgment is far less for me. But the lack of comfort and trust is something that scares me too. I really want to break out of my sexual cocoon, but I need someone to guide me.

A Okay, let's think about this for a second: You're telling me that you'd feel better about meeting a complete (possibly homicidal) stranger for some dom-sub fun than telling someone you're close to about your (perfectly unshocking) fantasies? That's some bad decision making. I'm glad you didn't go through with the Craigslist meet-up, but there is a way for you to use Craigslist to start feeling better about your secret desires. Why not e-mail the guy whose post turned you on and try to start a little online dialogue? Make it clear up front that you're not looking to hook up with anyone (tell him you're married to stop him from forcing the issue), but let him know that you've been having fantasies about being dominated and were wondering how to bring the subject up with your husband. Personally, I don't think you really need a strategy to broach the issue with a partner—trust me when I tell you that no one's going to think you're a freak. They may not want to partake in that kind of sex, but that's simply a rejection of the act, not you. Still, if you want to get a feel for how many other folks out there think like you do, keep cruising the Craigslist posts and talk to whoever will give you the time of day. Not only will this exercise provide you with tons of masturbation material, it will eventually give you enough confidence about your place in a fairly mainstream sexual community. Then you'll be able to finally fess up to a nonanonymous someone who can actually make your fantasy come true.

Q Hi, Jamie. It goes like this: I've been with my husband since high school. We've been married for 17 years, but in 2007 I suspected he was playing around on me. Finally, he came clean: He was visiting escorts on his day off. I was shocked, and the first thing that came out of my mouth was, "Did you use protection?" He said yes. I'm in deep pain imagining him with these women. I feel jealous of these women and I can't trust him. I try to go day by day, but there are some days that kill me. Can you tell me if it is possible for a man to be faithful and stay away from these temptations?

A The question really is: Is it possible for your man to avoid these temptations? No one's going to be able to answer that question for you except him. At this point I agree that you can't trust him, but there's certainly no reason to feel jealous of the escorts. They're simply there to fill a biological need for emotionally immature men. You have some tough decisions ahead of you, and the first step you've got to take is to have your husband explain why he chose to have sex with these women. You should talk about what was going on with him emotionally and intellectually; what about your relationship wasn't working for him; what did you do that made him decide to wound you so badly (I'm not blaming you at all for any of this; we just have to get to the bottom of what the fuck he was thinking). Talk it all out and then demand that he get some help in becoming a more honest, mature and communicative person. If he balks at any of this, I say dump his ass. Seventeen years is a long time, and I don't casually suggest ditching a relationship of that length, but let's face it—if he's not willing to work at being a better husband, you're going to be facing many more years of heartache.

Q I'm in my early twenties and I've been dating this 25-year-old guy for almost two years now. He's amazing, except for one little thing (there is always one little thing in your column, isn't there?): He's a premature ejaculator. He'll initiate sex, the foreplay will be great, and then comes the big act, which will last less than a minute. This has been going on for over a year, and I've had about enough! He's talked to a doctor, who has written it off as stress from his high-level banking job. The sex was amazing when we first were together, and even up to eight months into the relationship. The problem started out infrequently, and now it's almost every time. I've tried bringing a toy for me into the mix (he says he feels like he's being replaced). I've started servicing myself a little more frequently (doesn't replace the real thing). I've even tried letting him know I'm okay with the problem and trying my very hardest to not be mad when it happens (very tough). But enough is enough! I want to spend my life with this man, but I refuse to enter into a sexless marriage doomed for celibacy!

A I know it's hard not to take all of this personally, but if you want your sex life to get better, you're going to have to. You see, your barely disguised anger is increasing his level of anxiety, which is making more-than-a-minute intercourse an impossibility. Go meditate, or do yoga, or knock the stuffing out of a punching bag, but do whatever you must to be able to tap into your compassion for him. I think bringing in the toy was a bad idea, because how could he not take that as a sign that you're over him and his issues? There are a kajillion books on ways to combat premature ejaculation. You guys should stock up on them and try every trick they suggest (the start-stop method—wherein he fully controls all the thrusting action and inaction—is the one that works best for most guys). Remember, it's not like he's doing this to piss you off. He has a sexual problem that he needs your help to get over. Compassion in the short term will lead you to orgasm-by-intercourse in the long term.

Send letters to Jamie Bufalino c/o Time Out New York, 475 Tenth Avenue, 12th floor, New York, NY 10018, or send e-mail to sex@timeoutny.com. Find more "Get Naked" online at timeoutnewyork.com, or check out "Sex on the Street" with Jamie Bufalino at timeoutnewyork.com/video.

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