Halfway three-way

QRecently my husband and I decided to find a girl for a ménage à trois. This is something we have talked about for years but never actively pursued. The thing is, I am not interested in girl-on-girl action. We are interested in a three-way because I am turned on by the idea of him with another girl. But all of our potential partners can’t seem to understand this. We have posted ads and talked to girls in person, and they all are turned off by the idea that they don’t get to get it on with me. We have actually been involved in a three-way in the past with a guy, and of course the two men didn’t come within six inches of each other. So what’s with the double standard, and how do we make this happen? Are we presenting ourselves wrong? Or am I just supposed to let go and allow her to fondle me as the price for making my man happy?

AThe Encyclopedia of Unusual Sex Practices defines ménage à trois as “a domestic arrangement which is often confused with a 3-way erotosexual experience.” Boy, encyclopedias sure know how to squeeze the hotness out of everything. In any case, my point is, you guys aren’t looking for an erotosexual 3-way, you’re looking for a voyeuristic thing. So yes, you are clearly presenting yourselves wrong. I can totally understand why people would get pissed to find out that they’re really having sex with only one other person. It would be like ordering a Chicken McNuggets meal that promises an assortment of dipping sauces and then just getting honey mustard. And although I don’t think anyone should do anything they don’t want to do just to make their spouse happy, I do wonder if your experience might actually be a bit more fun if you both weren’t dead set on not getting anywhere near the other same-sex person in the scrum. This whole scene sounds way too uptight and rigid. Still, if that’s the way you want to keep it, then just remember, it’s voyeurism you need help with, not multiparty sex.

QI realize that there is a double standard in regard to pubic hair, and that perhaps I’ve been spoiled by girls who wax everything. Jamie, maybe you also have a bias in favor of a natural pubic and taint situation. But for the rest of us, is there a proper way to request that a girl wax/shave her asshole?

AI find that Sunday mornings tend to be the best time to bring up asshole-related inquiries. Actually, any day works great, but keep this in mind: So as to avoid the possibility that you might hurt your girlfriend’s feelings about the unsightliness of a certain part of her anatomy, I wouldn’t make your inquiry so asshole-specific. I’d just bring up the subject of waxing in general. Tell her how much it would turn you on if she got a full-fledged Brazilian that didn’t leave even one stubborn follicle of hair on her entire lower body. Of course, it wouldn’t hurt to throw in phrases like petals falling from a beautiful flower and the deforestation of a breathtaking ravine, but that’s up to you. Hopefully, this soft-shoe approach will get the message across without any emotional wear and tear, but if not, I guess you’ll just have to come out and tell her that her anus is a bit too Sasquatchy for your taste. Good luck with that.

QI am 37 and my husband is 40. We got married last year. He has a strong sex drive and would like to have sex nightly, whereas I am more in the once-a-week camp. We compromise by having sex three to four times per week. My question is regarding masturbation. My husband’s routine before we were a couple was to masturbate several times a day, including at night to help him fall asleep. While he has scaled back greatly on his nighttime masturbation, on occasion he asks if I would mind if he rubs one out in bed to help him sleep. Frankly, it makes me uncomfortable when he does this right next to me. It keeps me awake, and I don’t really want to see, hear or think about what he’s doing. I’ve asked him if he would mind doing it in on the couch in the next room, but he says it’s not the same, and thinks I’m being prudish and unreasonable. What do you think?

AI’m probably going to get in trouble for this response, but frankly, I think you’re being prudish and unreasonable. What’s the big deal? A typical “rub one out” session lasts approximately five to eight minutes, which means that whole “keeping me awake” excuse doesn’t really wash. Furthermore, masturbation is not some strange perversion that needs to be hidden from your significant other. Now, I can understand how his routine would start to grate if he weren’t eager to have sex with you, too, but that’s not the case here. I get that there’s an awkwardness to hearing your mate pleasuring himself, but he’s cut down on the number of times he does it, so he’s obviously doing his part to compromise. Look at it this way: If you take that away from him, he’s going to want to up the number of times you have sex per week, so if you don’t feel like putting out even more, I’d suggest you let him have his innocent nighttime jollies.

Speaking of compromising, here’s a great example of how a couple came to a mutually satisfying arrangement regarding anal sex. I think we all could learn a little something about fortitude and open-mindedness from these two.

QMy wonderful boyfriend loves anal sex. I was never for it—I thought it was unnecessary, it always hurt, blah blah blah. Well, my boyfriend came up with this great idea. He had me buy a medium-size butt plug and had me masturbate while I played with my ass with it. The first time it hurt, but the more I did it the more I loved it! The whole point is associating anal penetration with pleasure and not pain. By the time I saw my boyfriend again (we had a long-distance relationship, so I had time to “practice”), my ass was totally trained and anal sex was amazing! Now I am addicted to anal. Anal orgasms are so much stronger than vaginal. Forgive the long e-mail, I just hope my experience can help the “anal curious” out there.

ANow isn’t that heartwarming? It’s amazing how much joy a little butt plug can spread around. As we head into the holiday season, what do you say we all do our merrymaking part by getting our asses trained by the New Year? I’ll be checking back in early ’09, so please use the time wisely.

Send letters to Jamie Bufalino c/o Time Out New York, 475 Tenth Avenue, 12th floor, New York, NY 10018, or send e-mail to sex@timeoutny.com. Check out “Sex on the Street” with Jamie Bufalino at timeoutnewyork.com/video.

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