Defend yourself Julia!

Gordon's favorite picture of Julia.

Name this column!

Julia’s still looking for a title—come up with one and score a sexy prize. Get more details here.

Expert, n.: a person who has a comprehensive or authoritative knowledge of or skill in a particular area. Or, someone who says they do.

Much to my amusement, I’ve been the “expert” on a variety of subjects (including Paris Hilton, presidential politics, American Idol and the Wii) about which I possess little expertise—much less “comprehensive or authoritative” knowledge. I’ve never even seen the Wii, dammit! 

I’ve also been called a relationship expert. This, on the other hand, I am.

But what makes someone a “dating/relationship expert,” anyway? A bookshelf of pink-jacketed, alliteration-heavy self-help books? (Check!) An intimate knowledge of The Rules, Get Serious About Getting Married and He’s Just Not That Into You? (Check, check, check!) The collector’s-edition box set of Sex and the City? (Check. Sigh.)

With no formal qualifications—as one ex said, “It’s not like you passed a bar exam for sexperts”—can anyone do this? In a world where a heavyset man (Dr. Phil) gives diet advice and an old woman (Dr. Ruth) opines on sex, it’s  funny anyone bothers with a pesky little thing like “credentials.” Lots of people consider themselves dating experts. Just yesterday a cab driver gave me an unsolicited lecture on love, including unique suggestions for where to meet “zee seengle meeen.”

While I never turn down free advice, however random, true relationship expertise requires more than being a regular Dr. Drew listener. It’s one part sociology, two parts psychology, a dash of anatomy and physiology, a lot of experience and the desire to think through human relations for hours. (Bonus if one has few inhibitions, no tact, and is willing to never be taken seriously outside of Harlequin conventions.)

“A relationship expert is someone who has learned about love through experience and not in a classroom,” says dating coach Matt Titus. “Someone who’s been through many romances, grown from the good ones and learned from the bad.”

Absolutely—and as my mother says, “Well, you certainly have been around the block a few, uh, dozen, times.” (Thanks, Mom!) It’s not just about the trips, though, it’s really about what you pick up on the way. Being a relationship expert is like being any kind of expert; you do your research—both of the bookish sort (real scientists study this stuff!) and, by gathering the anecdotes of others, analyzing them, contrasting them, and coming to conclusions.

That doesn’t mean I always have the answers—yep, even I sometimes have no idea why he didn’t call. Odds are he probably just wasn’t that into me. See? Who’s the expert now?!?

E-mail her: jallison@timeoutny.com