Hot and heavy

Illustration: Emily Flake

We all know the cliché: Boy meets girl, boy dumps girl, girl jumps into the consoling arms of Ben & Jerry. I’ve actually found the opposite to be true. The worse the breakup, the longer it takes to track down my appetite. Want that pizza? Just think of the girl he’s screwing.

Moving in and out of relationships usually results in some weight-related change, and the trend isn’t merely anecdotal. According to “Fattily Ever After,” a recent article by social historian Dr. Christine B. Whelan, studies have shown that “both men and women report average weight gain of six to eight pounds over a two-year period after getting married or starting a serious relationship.”

That’s not a surprise to any of us who’ve found those 28-inch waist jeans unzippable after six months of rigorous couch-lazing.Yeah, we have a gym membership…but who needs an elliptical machine when you can burn calories via sex?

That “creative” logic might work if we were having sex all the time. And not eating. But breaking a sweat for 20 minutes three times a week (and 20 minutes is being generous) does not a comprehensive workout make.

Still, we live in a city of gym rats, or at least gym-membership-possessing-rats who seem to understand the importance of exercise; you know, so you can be healthy and strong and not get diabetes and—who are we kidding—so you can get laid.

“There are basically two ways to make hooking up with someone easier,” says Chris, 32, an IT technician. “Be very charismatic or be very attractive. Unfortunately it’s not possible to learn to be charismatic, but anyone can buy a gym membership, slog through workouts for five or six months and look much better. Once you snag a really great mate—the motivation goes away.” And then both of you sink into the sweet, warm, mushy folds of elastic-waistband-sweatpants complacency.

“Mentally I think that I continued to feel attractive after I really wasn’t because my girlfriend was still having sex with me,” says Justin, 26, a software engineer, who explains that he and his now ex are far healthier apart than they ever were together.

“Today I ate fruit for breakfast and walked 40 blocks to the train. When we were together, we would often meet for a heavy lunch, then dinner and drinking later. Being single just causes me to focus on myself, which is good for my health—and my looks.”

“I definitely know that ‘getting comfortable’ feeling,” explains Jene, 23, an editorial assistant, “and I’ve certainly busted out my sweatpants the first possible second. But though it’s always nice when your boyfriend cares about you ‘no matter your size,’ it’s nicer to be with someone who makes being active a priority.”

In case that wasn’t clear enough, Heather, 25, a state employee, really lays it out. “I would run the other way if a potential future husband was going to be a potential future fatty.”

See guys? You may never have to wear Spanx, but don’t think we don’t notice your muffin tops. Making the time to take care of yourself is a sure way of keeping both your self-esteem and your partner’s desire high.

Excuse me, I have to get to the gym now.

E-mail her at julia@timeoutny.com.