Julia Allison on Dating

ILLUSTRATION BY EMILY FLAKE

*Oops! “The single file” wants to break up with us—because his heart and copyright belong to someone else. Denial is a game our lawyer won’t let us play, so Julia’s column needs a new name. Log on to timeoutnewyork.com/dating to give her your suggestions.

You meet. You fall in love. You move in together. You realize something isn’t quite right. You break up.

Cue the Kübler-Ross grief cycle: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally, acceptance. Psychologists like to say somber, pessimistic things such as “There are no fun shortcuts to getting over heartbreak” and “We must live honestly through the rainy days of despair.” Screw that!

Those stages may be good for dealing with death, but for breakups? A true awareness of the loss can be debilitating. I like to soften the edges by sticking to Stage 1, denial, until—well, pretty much forever.

When queried, almost everyone I asked about breakup methods sniffed that denial was for weaklings who couldn’t take pain. Well, guess what? File me under “W,” a weakling with an effective strategy for dealing with breakups. I don’t think “Maybe we’ll get back together” is delusional—it’s an effective coping mechanism that doesn’t get the credit it deserves.

Men do it naturally. It’s why in the middle of a brutal divorce, they can still slump into work, deliver a kick-ass presentation, then slump back out. They compartmentalize, letting the truth slowly creep in only at the moments when they can deal with it.Denial is a many-splendored thing. Denial lifts you up where you belong. All you need is denial!

When I broke up with the guy I moved to New York to marry, I told myself (and him) that we would get back together after I “figured stuff out,” grew up and experienced freedom. Did I think that? Sometimes I did. But the thought—at that time—of going from “I’m going to marry this man” to “I’m never going to make love to him again”—was too extreme.

The last guy I loved deeply finally cut me off in June. No speaking. Did I think that was it? No. I would have pulled an Owen Wilson. I lived on in my little fantasy world of “he still loves me and we’ll get back together” until slowly the truth seeped in. The gradual realization allowed me to deal with it in manageable chunks.

And really, what’s so bad about that? Do you actually think you’ll be alone at 67, with seven Chihuahuas in a six-story walk-up, still pining over the hipster love you lost 40 years ago? You won’t. Why would denial be any more permanent than your former relationship?

“Denial is very effective for a lot of things,” says Moe, 28. “But if it’s a serious breakup, denial is super-tough to pull off. You can’t deny, ‘Well, this person knew me better than anyone else in the world, and they rejected me.’ It’s sort of just staring you in the face.”

This is why you just close your eyes! I know—you’re disappointed that I’d recommend anything other than brutal self-reflection and fluorescent honesty. But scientific studies show that delving deep into the past actually makes people less happy.

Why is being honest with ourselves the only way to deal with an unpleasant romantic ending? What if that honesty just leads to scar tissue on your heart? Maybe heartbreak deserves a little less honesty and a little more soft lighting. Deny hard with a vengeance.

E-mail her at julia@timeoutny.com.