The Julia Allison on Dating challenge: Response 4

[Ed note: Since the point of this challenge is for people to demonstrate writing ability, we have left these reponses untouched by editing. Not even a spell check.]

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By Alana Taylor

The last time I temporarily abstained from anything was this weekend at my cousin's wedding reception when my brother held a plate of steaming pasta in front of my watering mouth. As tempting as the chicken fettuccine looked, however, I made the admirable decision not to take a bite. I rationalized that it was not in my hips' best interest to eat a possibly-five-thousand calorie meal.

My "abstinence" (feel free to use bunny-ear fingers here) lasted about 2 minutes.

I hear that lately some men and women feel the need to temporarily abstain from sex. Rumor has it that today's only-for-a-limited-time Virgin is the new "It Girl," leaving yesterday's panty-less drunk-driving Slut in the dust. But just who practices this method of un-foreplay?

Let us examine: First, we need to assume these men and women who find themselves proclaiming abstinence already have rug burns on their knees and elbows. They are no strangers to intercourse. Second, we can derive from their decision to abstain that they are unhappy with the way their sex life (or lack thereof) is going. And third, we can agree that these people enjoy sex, very much, just not right now.

But for sex à la Mother Theresa to work, the persons involved have to be single. Why? Because ladies in relationships are only allowed to say "not right now" when they are on their period, have not waxed, or if it's Thursday and they don't want to miss Grey's. And as for hitched guys, well, they are simply not allowed to use this tactic. A man in a relationship who opts out of love-making on a Saturday night is cheating on you.

So what we have are experienced, single, and unhappy bar-hoppers who are temporarily refusing to hit the sack after a first date, without X-ing out the thought of sex all together. Wait, isn't that just called playing hard-to-get? You see, the paradox in Temporary Rational Abstinence is the temporary part. Temporary is just another way of declaring "Seriously, my diet starts now," but later eating a piece of your aunt's apple pie and with your mouth full saying, "No, I swear, this time it's for real, okay?"

It's the same thing with sex.

You make a conscious decision to avoid all hanky panky until –of course – the cute guy from Marquee is doing the pants-at-the-ankles waddle over to your bedroom. Not everybody is foaming at the mouth, but if you had really meant to abstain, then you would be at home eating a pint of ice cream watching The Notebook. What about the other day when I turned down the husky Red Sox fan at the Village Pourhouse, you ask? I'm sorry to break it to you, but not being in the mood to bang Joe Six-Pack does not mean you are becoming celibate. Honey, that isn't Temporary Rational Abstinence – that is called being selective… and sober.

So is no sex the new sex? Maybe, if you prefer watching Extreme Makeover: Home Edition than getting laid. I am not even sure if the term Temporary Rational Abstinence exists. In fact, whoever came up with this idiom ought to shampoo Jack Nicholson's crotch.