The Julia Allison on Dating challenge: Response 2

[Ed note: Since the point of this challenge is for people to demonstrate writing ability, we have left these reponses untouched by editing. Not even a spell check.]

If you or someone you love has TRAS, there is hope
By Stephen Sacco

As a representative of the pharmaceutical industry, I can attest thatsexual abstinence is something people chose before there wasmedication. I realize this is a bold statement, but hear me out.

There was a time, maybe sometime in the late 1990s, when it wasthought that Temporary Rational Abstinence Syndrome or TRAS was agood thing and provided some kind of insights into human behaviorthat only lack of shutmping made available.

For instance, you could finally watch all those reruns of “WelcomeBack Kotter,” alphabetize your rare insect collection and try all ofBen and Jerry’s flavors.

With the advent of Abstinital, however, you can now enjoy thebenefits of abstinence without the bother of not having sex.

Abstinital may cause bad judgment, loss of appetite, inflammation ofthe ego and in certain rare instances caused a small percentage ofstudy participants to exclaim, “What on earth was I thinking!”

People who are taking vodka for occasional headaches, have leprosy orhave a history of exs taking out restraining orders should not takeAbstinital. Ask your doctor if Abstinital is right for you. Youshould particularly ask your doctor if you’re sleeping with him orher. I’m sure they’d want to know.

The lawyers make us say that. You should probably also ask yourlawyer if Abstinital is right for you. This goes double if you’resleeping with your lawyer. A legal opinion about anything involvingsex is become increasingly necessary in today’s society.

Let me give you a little background about me. I was depressed,suffered from social anxiety and couldn’t get laid to save my life.Then along came a little pill that brought me back to my old self.Sure, I suffered from dry throat and an upset stomach but I wascharming again. Too bad it made me impotent.

No worries, my friends! There’s a pill for that.

Now I was a fully functional human and I was only taking two pills aday.

What about the peace of mind that comes with TRAS? Was I missing outon something deeper in life now that I was frolickable?

Turns out, there’s a pill for that too. Just pop an Abstinital in themorning and you can have all the sex you can handle for 24 hourswhile gaining the self-respect and depth that previously came fromsitting at home watching TV and eating pork rinds. It’s kind of likeCatholic school in a bottle, but without the nuns.

I’m not making light. Millions of people who are not elected topolitical office suffer from TRAS, both men and women.

Humans are the only animals that suffer from TRAS. Did your dog evertell another dog, “Sorry, I’m temporarily taking a rational breakfrom intercourse”? I didn’t think so.

The idea behind TRAS had some validity in its day but modern pharmacology has made the idea of rationally abstaining from sex as quaint as notions of affordable home ownership and representativedemocracy.

Where there’s a pill, there’s a way.