Julia Allison on Dating

Illustration: Emily Flake

A friend of mine—who happens to be both an Ivy League graduate and an Adriana Lima doppelgänger—recently began seeing an extremely successful, extremely handsome, extremely intelligent man with an extremely large apartment. They have fallen in love. (Extremely, of course.)

Listening to details of their fabulous new life together, I felt a strange and uncomfortable feeling: I was envious.

I’ve always stood firmly in the “envy toward other women’s successful dating lives is insidious” camp. I don’t believe that life, or especially dating, is a zero-sum game—in other words, my happiness and yours are not mutually exclusive (unless we’re seeing the same guy, in which case, well, yeah, I guess they are).

And yet women—far more than men—run into this entirely disagreeable emotion quite often, especially as it pertains to their relations with and appeal to men. “Evolutionary pressure,” explains an old biology professor of mine. “That’s all it is.” So women tend to envy other females’ relationships, whereas men tend to envy other guys for things like sports prowess or financial acuity or…um…package size.

The root of envy is, of course, insecurity. It’s a direct product of our own confidence, or lack thereof. I’m sure that if I were madly in love with someone, I could blithely share my friend’s happiness, with no seventh-grade sneers about how unfair it is that “she gets everything.” Because, honestly, what’s the point?

Actually, according to my professor, envy is, apparently, a smart evolutionary response. It keeps us from falling into a downward spiral of complacency, from resting on our biological laurels. It ensures that we stay competitive, whether in our finances or in our love lives. The discomfort of jealousy should theoretically spur us to do better.

While that’s an interesting assessment, ultimately, envy is crap. It’s counterproductive and embittering—and a life glumly attending other people’s weddings and baby showers is not the one anyone wants to lead. And so I follow the wise words of Oprah life coach Martha Beck: Stop comparing yourself—you’ll always lose. “The relentless search for victory, security, love and self-esteem invariably ends in failure, insecurity, enmity and self-hatred,” she says. According to Martha, the best way to avoid the uncomfortable emotion is to celebrate failure (ask someone in a happy relationship to tell you their worst dating story, and you’ll forget you ever had the capacity for envy), compliment your rivals and make internal lists of all the things you’re grateful for.

But seriously? There’s no way I’m throwing that bitch a shower.

E-mail her at julia@timeoutny.com.