Misanthrope’s walk

Photographs: Stephen Kosloff

Start: 700 E 9th St between Aves C and D
End: 79 Second Ave between 4th and 5th Sts
Distance: 2.6 miles
Time: 4 hours

1 Avoiding the plague of humanity in the East Village is a failing battle, but with good timing and a little luck, there are still a few places where you can find urban solitude. Start by sharpening your wits with the best coffee in the neighborhood (possibly in the city) from Ninth Street Espresso—the original location (700 E 9th St between Aves C and D, 212-358-9225), rather than the newer, brightly lit, higher-traffic outpost on East 10th Street across from Tompkins Square Park.

2 Full of caffeine, scones and scorn, you’re now ready to start getting the hell away from people. Good thing you’re in the immediate vicinity of three roomy and lushly overgrown community gardens. The 9th St. Community Garden (Avenue C at 9th Street, northeast corner) and La Plaza Cultural (same intersection, southwest corner) are best for vanishing, but Green Oasis and Gilbert’s Sculpture Garden (E 8th St between Aves C and D) is good too. The hours can be hit or miss, but after noon on weekends you should have no trouble. The former two both have small ponds with fat goldfish and turtles. Observe the perfect simplicity of their existence; know that your own species will always prevent you from such contentment.

3 North and west a bit is the small but awesomely stocked Academy Records (415 E 12th St between First Ave and Ave A; 212-780-9166, academy-records.com), where you just may be able to spend a good long while disappearing into headphones on the shop’s two in-store turntables, provided nobody bigger and meaner than you is waiting. (Note: If you can’t operate a turntable and handle vinyl carefully, you might not be a true misanthrope.)

4 Besides listening to music on headphones, reading is our other great solitary pastime, and the East Village is home to two small public libraries: the Ottendorfer Branch (135 Second Ave between St. Marks Pl and 9th St, 212-674-0947) and the Tompkins Square Branch (331 E 10th St between Aves A and B, 212-228-4747), which was once frequented by a young Martin Scorsese. Neither is what you’d call a destination library, but that isn’t what you want anyway—just a quiet place where the only real rule is for everyone to shut up!

5 By now you’ve worked up quite a thirst, so stomp down to Ace Bar (531 E 5th St between Aves A and B; 212-979-8476, acebar.com), where happy hour is seven days a week, from 4 to 7pm. On the early side it’s very possible that you’ll be one of three or fewer people in the entire, spacious joint—counting the bartender. Having the run of a place like this is a low-rent dream come true: Pinball! Skee-Ball! Darts! Booths and a TV in back! And the greatest, most savage video game going, Big Buck Safari.

6 Fortified with a little Dutch courage, you’re now ready to take your act to the subsequent plateau. Swing by H. Brickman & Sons Hardware (55 First Ave between 3rd and 4th Sts, 212-674-3213) and buy one of its $10.99 molded plastic chairs. Lug it around to East 2nd Street between First and Second Avenues, perhaps the most sublimely peaceful block in the East Village. This is due partly to its lack of retail establishments, but it’s mainly because of the New York City Marble Cemetery, which casts a stately, stilling mood over the street. Dating back to 1831, it’s the resting place of two former mayors and the Kip Family of Kips Bay (it was also once the burial ground of President James Monroe). The bad news: You can’t get in, unless you’re dead and in possession of a time machine. The good news: You can place your new chair on the wide sidewalk next to its regal iron gates. Read a book out loud and you are guaranteed not to be bothered in any way.

7 Now that you’ve outpaced, outwitted and outweirded the teeming East Village masses, you’ve earned yourself a giant spicy dosa and an equally large Taj Mahal beer at Madras Café (79 Second Ave between 4th and 5th Sts; 212-254-8002, madrascafenyc.com), one of those vegetarian (note: also kosher) restaurants that carnivores frequent because it’s just that good. It’s also mind-bogglingly empty in the early-dinner hours. You can’t go wrong anywhere on its vast South Indian menu. Ah, bliss. Enjoy your meal but then hurry home, before the tourists take back the East Village night.

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