Mark Feuerstein

Do you get stopped on the street here? Do people recognize you?
You know, it hasn’t happened once here. Well, maybe a couple of times.… But there have been many times that I’ve been complimented on my work on the film Love Actually.

They think you’re Hugh Grant?
No, the guy the guy that holds up the cards. He’s not an unattractive man, so I’m happy to be mistaken for him. But it’s always nicer when you’re appreciated for your own work.

In the pilot of Royal Pains, you play a doctor on call to rich folks ingorgeous, sweet Hamptons houses. Have you stolen anything out of one, yet?
Oh, baby. Have I stolen anything? Other than writing “This house is mine” across several of the $25 million homes, no. I have not. I’ve walked away with some of the sand from their beautiful beaches in my shoes.

You’re probably gonna get a bill for that.
I’m sure I will. The upkeep of the dunes is very expensive.

You shoot your show in some spectacular Hamptons houses. What amenity would you rather have: a gold toilet or a private zoo?
I would rather have a gold toilet, (a) because it is the throne and it should be decorated as such, but also (b) because I prefer for animals to be free.… At one house we shot at, some wealthy Hamptonite decided to build an incredible Italian grotto—very rococo, if you will—and in the archway and all along the walls was an aquarium, built in. I had the urge to set the incredibly exotic fish free into the Atlantic Ocean, though that probably wasn’t their original natural habitat. So they would’ve just died.

Did you see any Montauk monsters? The creature that washed up last summer was, like, a decomposed dog but it looked like a crazy monster.
No! Oh, maybe. Did it look like a combination of an aardvark and a hammerhead shark? I think I’ve seen pictures of that thing. I’m a concierge surgeon now, so should anyone get bitten by a Montauk monster, I presume I will know how to handle it.

Sweeps episode!
I like it. I like your thinking.

Who are you modeling your doctor character after: Doogie Howser or Marcus Welby?
I love that you even know Marcus Welby. That’s very impressive. Um, I would say he’s closer to Marcus Welby than Doogie Howser. Because even the show’s catchphrase has something about doctors making house calls. There is an element in concuerge medicine as a whole—and the character I’m playing—that this kind of doctor is a return to the way it used to be.

It’s still ridiculously rich out in the Hamptons. Will there be a French Revolution–style uprising out there? A guillotine set up on the highway?
Yes, and my character will be leading the charge. The truth is, if there were going to be one, it would have happened when the rich people lived truly extravagantly—in the late ’80s or the early part of the aughts. But now that everyone’s been hit, I think there’s a little more sympathy there. We’re still talking about a surreal real-estate market out there, though.

What’s the richest you’ve ever been?
I had a nice car at one point, while I was doing Good Morning, Miami. But it was a great way to learn that, at a certain point, your car is just your car. The coffee still spills.

You’ve lived in both L.A. and New York; which has a better class of rich people?
I would say, in L.A., Malibu represents the height of lavishness, and in New York, the Hamptons—and I’d prefer that version. The ultimate Hamptons house is, for my money, ten times more romantic and exquisite and pristine and private than the most expensive Malibu house. They have a highway right next to the beach [in Malibu], so it takes away some of the romance.

Your show is premiering the same night as a showing of Casino Royale. Are you prepared to be compared to James Bond?
First of all, I just did a movie with James Bond, Daniel Craig: Defiance. One night [during filming], he took us all out to watch a rugby match. He was rooting for England, and I decided, just to mess with him, I would root for South Africa. And in his late night, good-times…er, I’ll call it stupor, he rubbed his forehead up and down my temples to drill me for rooting against him. My team won. So at least at one petty competition, I’ve beaten him. So if there’s another one, he’ll win.… Perhaps we can all ride on the manly coattails of Jeffrey Donovan [of Burn Notice].

I noticed you were named one of People magazine’s most beautiful people in 2003, but not since. What happened?I’ve gotten less beautiful. Somehow, over time, my beauty has waned. It’s morphed into an inner beauty, which is less visible to a publication like People, but if you go to, say, Shambhala Sun magazine, I am still one of the most beautiful. It’s just inside.

Do you ever have problems with the medical jargon in Royal Pains?
You mean like xanthochromia?

Apparently not, show-off.
I really need to learn that one sentence that shows off all my terminology. I’m gonna have the writers come up with one. Sometimes it’s hard; these are enormous words that were not meant to be said by anyone except very brilliant surgeons at Johns Hopkins, but I do my best. Today the word was sputum. I say, “Did you get a sputum sample?” And it’s actually pronounced “SPEW-tum.” What is it?

I think it’s kind of gross.
Well, for a while there I was saying spooge, so I’m glad they corrected me.—Interviewed by Allison Williams

Feuerstein’s show, Royal Pains, premieres Thu 4 on USA.

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