Bossed around

Making decisions is hard. I’m not talking about decisions like “Should I ask this chick on a date?” or “Should I ask this chick who’s pregnant with my child to marry me?” Those are the decisions the gods make for you. I’m talking about everyday choices, such as “Which side should I part my hair on?,” “Should I part my hair at all?” and “Should I, in frustration, shave my head right this moment after a good cry, because I hate my stupid hair?”

If you can relate, you need help. How else will you really succeed, really be the person who makes high-powered decisions at work? How else will you be Christine Comaford-Lynch, a five-time CEO, former White House consultant on small business, and current chief executive of the small-business consultancy Mighty Ventures. McGraw-Hill will release her book, Rules for Renegades: How to Make More Money, Rock Your Career, and Revel in Your Individuality, in August. So I asked the big boss to walk me through my day, holding my hand telephonically and guiding me through every terrifying choice to see if I could learn decisiveness.

10am
Every day when I wake, the prospect of picking an outfit comes crashing down on me like an Acme piano. I usually put on an awkward-fitting dress shirt, rub my hands over my belly for ten minutes as if waiting for a baby to kick, then rip it off in a fit and throw on the same T-shirt I wore two days earlier. “You need to kick it up a notch,” says a chipper Christine. “When you look the way your employers want you to look, or a little bit the way they want you to look, you can get away with a lot of other stuff.” Christine suggests a compromise: a designer T-shirt. Apparently my Spider-Man/American-flag tee doesn’t count, so we settle on the three-button polo shirt my sister gave me for Christmas.

11:35am
Having to do more than one thing at once forces me to spend half my day trying to decide what to do first. I work at a New York publication and have three assignments due today: one with a firm midday deadline, one with a firm end-of-day deadline and another with a midday deadline that I know I could push until later. “You need to get them all done today,” Christine says, in a tone not unlike that of Clair Huxtable. “The first one—the midday one—you just have to nail. The one that you can always get in late, you might want to get in second—and the one that’s a firm evening deadline, you get that in this evening.”

1:37pm
I’m hungry. For lunch, Christine has a simple directive: “Protein and vegetables,” she says, “is the lunch of champions.” After some meat loaf, I don’t feel like a champion—it’s supercold in the office, so I call Christine again. A female coworker offered to let me borrow her sweater—a girl’s zip-up model with three-quarter sleeves that stop at my elbows. Should I wear it? “I would definitely buy a sweater,” says Christine, whispering, clearly in the middle of a meeting. “If you’re cold today, you’re probably going to be cold tomorrow. Do not go walking around in a girl’s sweater.”

4:04pm
Smoking hurts, but trying to commit to quitting smoking hurts more. I haven’t had a cigarette today, but the stress is getting to me. “A cigarette is going to give you a buzz, right?” Christine asks. “How else can you get a buzz? Go for a brisk walk.”

A brisk walk sounds great, but what about my oral fixation? “Go for a brisk walk and eat a banana,” she says, just before hanging up on me.

4:55pm
I’ve had my walk and banana, and now I’m sleepy. The kitchen is equipped with an instant coffeemaker—efficient, but awful. I brought an espresso machine to work, but since it’s on my desk, the noise pisses off my coworkers. I don’t want them not to like me. Christine, late for a client, sighs after I explain the intricate details, and talks to me like I’m five years old. “Carry your espresso machine into the kitchen,” she says. “That way you can have a high-quality drink without disturbing your coworkers.” A few minutes later, I’m in the bathroom with the big boss. Is this a good time to network? I call Christine. “Seriously? Wow, I’ve always wondered what guys do when they’re in there together,” she says. “So, what do guys do?” I can’t decide what to say.

8:17pm
The workday is over, but not the bewildering choices. Should I go home and tackle an overdue assignment, or take my wife to see the new Harry Potter movie, which she has made clear is key to our continued healthy sex life? “If you’re not too behind on your work, you should totally take care of your relationship, because your relationship is going to take a backseat when you’re not on schedule,” Christine says. “Also, I’m not available tonight—I have a business event, so you might not want to call.”

But wait, wait—Christine! Junior Mints or Sno-Caps? Junior Mints or Sno-Caps!?!