Hi-diddly-ho, neig hbor-inos!

REVEREND LOVEJOY
The Rev. John Charles “J.C.” Austin, 36, Madison Avenue Presbyterian Church, Upper West Side

On Lovejoy: “Lovejoy embodies everything that’s wrong with the church in general, at least the mainline Protestant church. But there’s a level of sympathy to him: He’s an idealist. And the Simpson family is one of the most authentic presentations of religious life as a generalization in America: They pray over meals, they go to church every Sunday, they talk about theology and moral application to life decisions, such as whether or not to steal cable.”

On the chances of “In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida” finding its way into his Sunday service: “We have an outstanding organist and I don’t think he would collapse at the keyboard at the end, but I think he would notice if someone slipped Iron Butterfly onto the page.”

PROFESSOR FRINK
Kent Kirshenbaum, 40, chemistry professor at NYU, Greenwich Village

Research/areas of interest: “Bio-organic chemistry, biomimetic chemistry, protein conformation and dynamics, and macromolecular design”

A day in the life: “Today I went to the 17th meeting of the International Society for Molecular Recognition. I’ve got to give a talk tomorrow. It’s about supersteroids. [And] we just sent a paper into a journal today called ‘Fit to Be Tied.’ It’s about taking molecules and constraining them so they’ll form very precise structures that’ll have very specific effects in the body. You place them in just the right position and you sprinkle a little bit of copper salt on it and they get tied to one another!”

On Professor Frink: “Frink seems to be based in large part on Jerry Lewis’s Nutty Professor, and Jerry Lewis has been a major figure in my life, both professionally and personally. I am a big fan. My wife and I have markedly different senses of humor, so I kinda sneak it in when I can.”

Molecular gastronomy: “The one real problem I have with The Simpsons is I’m so totally antidoughnut. I’m militantly against doughnuts. I don’t allow doughnuts in my household. I’m still trying to figure out what exactly is in the middle of a bear claw. That’s a mysterious substance. Somebody’s got to do the research on that! Could be flubber.”

GRAMPA ABE SIMPSON
Barney “Biagio” Ferraro, 71, retired vet, Astoria, Queens

On Grampa: “Oh yeah, sure! I like cartoons. I like the older ones better than the newer ones. Foghorn Leghorn, with the widow and all, ‘Boy, oh boy!’ Her son was a supergenius or somethin’! What?”

Hup, two, three, four: “Me, I was in the Army. Oh man, that was rough. The Korean War… not that I like to talk about it too much… we’re bedding down, it’s evening, it’s turning dusk, and all of a sudden, here come these people all dressed in white with automatic weapons. Oh yeah.”

Life on the farm: “I was raised on a farm. Yes siree. You didn’t have weights—you used to lift the pigs. We’d come in the barn, we’d have the rope and we’d wrap burlap around the rope and we’d see who could lift the biggest pig! Most kids got in trouble ’cause the dog followed them to school. I got in trouble ’cause the horse followed me. And that little nun, oh my God, she’d spank you in the hand with that ruler soon as she’d look at you! I’m not kidding you, they didn’t fool around in my time: You learned!”

APU NAHASAPEEMAPETILON
Tejas Shuph, 43, owner, Roosevelt Deli, Jackson Heights, Queens

On life back in India: “I had to go to university to be an accountant. It has helped me run this store—we have so many items and I have to figure out how to make a profit. So I’m not just standing here behind a counter.”

On the Indian clerk stereotype: “It’s hard. It’s hard. I deal with it every day. I’m as smart as my customers but I have trouble speaking English, you know? It hurts. But this country is the land of opportunity.”