Hipster detox: Quick impressions

Drew

Name: Drew

Age: 26

Occupation: TONY night receptionist

Hipster-to-mainstream substitutions:

• Beat up Chucks to boat shoes
• Slim Levi's to white shorts
• Tight T's to polo with popped collar
• Death on the Installment Plan to Star Wars novel
• New Yorker to Maxim
• Old Spice to Axe body spray
• Sweet-ass beard to clean shaven
• J'aimerais pas crever un dimanche to The Condemned (with Stone Cold Steve Austin)
• Union Pool to The Maritime Hotel
• Japanther to Springsteen's Greatest Hits
• Hipster jerk friends I see too much to cool high school friend I don't see enough

Assessment of detox: "I've been given a lot to think about, especially since I'm not getting any younger and I don't know that I want to be living the life of a broke, pretentious clown when I'm 40."

Read Drew's entire assessment.

Scott

Name: Scott

Age: 26

Occupation: "between jobs"

Hipster-to-mainstream substitutions:

• Gram Parsons to Toby Keith
• Hüsker Dü T-shirt to a friend's Rangers jersey
• In the Fascist Bathroom to Mein Kampf
• Tilda Swinton to Ashlee Simpson
• Masturbation to video games
• Brooklyn Lager to Stella Artois
• Desmond Dekker to Sean Paul
• NYC subway to PATH train
• Thread worn Levi’s to JNCO’s
• Karaoke to Pat Benetar to karaoke to Kid Rock

Assessment of detox: "Am I going to change? Fuck that! I've already cashed in on whatevercheap kicks I may have accrued for being able to relate to 15-year-old girls in the heartland."

Katie

Name: Katie

Age: 25

Occupation: Williamsburg bartender

Hipster-to-mainstream substitutions:

• Cowboy boots to pointy heels (considered sporting Crocs during the day but could not bring herself to do it)
• Maintaining own nails to visiting a salon
• Obsessive hair straightening to au naturale
• Jack Daniels to appletinis
• Bukowski to Confessions of a Shopaholic
• Throbbing Gristle to Celine Dion
• Liking that one song by The Knife to liking Fergie's "Glamorous" (which, she notes, "Sadly, I now do.")
• Children of Men to Reign Over Me
• Lost and Found/Daddy’s/Turkey’s Nest to Pop Burger/Marquee/Pastis
• Relaxing in MacCarren Park to relaxing in Central Park

Assessment of detox: "I have a newfound appreciation for US Weekly and I’m now taking some classes at the Y, but other than that I don’t think much has changed."

More in the Hipster Issue:

• Why the hipster must die: A modest proposal to save New York cool
• Why the hipster must die: The hipsterati talks back: We asked hipster-leaning bloggers to defend their constituency. See what they said.
• Why the hipster must die: Your responses: We've declared war on the hipster. Now it's time for you to pick a side.
• A hipstory: View a timeline on how this monster was created.
• Hipster quiz: The first sign of hipsterdom is self-denial. Take our quiz and get your hipster rating.
• Cool or played out?: We name 20 recent hipster markers; you vote on whether they have any cool value left.
• Name that hipster: The train that cuts across the greatest swath of hipsterdom is not the L—God, that's so two years ago—it's the G. See if you can match these swingin' youth to the stop where we caught them.
• Hipster detox: Quick impressions: See how three New York hipsters coped with two weeks of mainstream living.
• Hipster detox: Full assessment: After two weeks of ditching his Union Pool-and-Proust lifestyle, our resident cool guy breaks down his new life as a "reg."
• True originals: To look at them, you wouldn’t think these New Yorkers are hip. But then you find out what they did last night. We asked an octogenarian jazz maven, an avant-garde dance critic and Russell Simmons’s artist brother about NYC cool.
• Cool as shhh: The truly “hip” stuff is unpretentious and off the radar—until TONY reports it and ruins everything. So we thought we’d make amends with these blind-item tips.
• Cool as shhh: Guess the answers: Do you know what's cool in this city? Then prove it.
• Special Hipster-Issue Seek: Guest editor edition