Phase two: Keep your job

Don’t burn down the building (duh)

A sales associate wanted her schedule changed and it wasn’t happening. She thought that perhaps if she created a minor emergency (like, if she just started a small, little fire), then the fire department would come, we’d have to close the store and she’d get the afternoon off to go to the birthday party she wanted to attend.

So she dropped a cigarette in a trash can and tried to make it look like an accident. But hello? When has there last been indoor smoking allowed? Unfortunately, there’s a lot of combustible crap in a store stockroom—tissue paper, paper and bags. So what was supposed to be a minor thing turned out to be 300 grand in damage and felony charges.

She was perplexed that we took it so seriously. But when the fire department deems it arson, it’s amazing how persistent they and the police department will be at getting to the source of it. She didn’t understand why we were prosecuting and getting restitution—which we’ll be getting till she’s dead at this point. Oh, and bingo! She was fired before the sun set. It’s amazing how much people talk. That, and we have lots of cameras. People! You are on camera all the time. We had just enough [footage] to be like, “What were you doing over there? You don’t work anywhere near there.” Jackass!

—As told to Kate Lowenstein by an executive for a Fortune 100 company