Cure things

BACK SPASMS  |  HAIR LOSS  |  ADULT ACNE  |  LOWER-BACK PAIN  |  ACHING FEET  |  INSOMNIA  |  BLOAT

Bloat

BLOAT “I have poor circulation, my fingers get puffy and my feet swell after sitting at my desk all day.”

Say the words lymphatic drainage massage and people look at you like you’ve farted. But in Europe, LDM is so well established that health-insurance companies even pay for it, and booking a treatment after a boozing blowout is the norm. Here, plastic surgeons refer postsurgery clients to reduce swelling, speed healing and minimize scarring. Me, I’m just bloated—I have poor circulation, my fingers get puffy and my feet swell after sitting at my desk all day.

In an attempt to lessen my tumescent extremities, I signed up for four LDM treatments at four locations. Apparently, the lymph system—which feels like a string of pearls—is a series of nodes connected by passageways. It rhythmically contracts to move water and fats through the body; toxins and infections collect in the cells, where they are filtered and then forced out as waste. The massage uses ultralight touch to stimulate and assist the flushing process (so don’t expect a deep-tissue pummeling). After each treatment, I found that my rings were easier to put on than they had been to take off, and I could see anklebones that had been hidden behind watery tissue. Be warned: You’ll likely have to pee the moment you’re done, and you’ll be a regular Niagara for several hours afterward as your body expels the gunk.

Dorit Baxter
After having me lie faceup on the table in a cozy room (with dimmed lights and New Age music), my therapist Danielle noticed that the nodes on my neck were raised, and asked if I had a cold (I did)—it seems that raised nodes indicate the system is fighting an infection. Working downward from head to toe, Danielle’s semicupped hands began a series of very gentle wavelike strokes. As soon as she finished, I scampered to the bathroom. It was the next day that the proper deluge began, though, and my ankles were slimmer for two days afterward.47 W 57th St between Fifth and Sixth Aves (212-371-4542). 60 minutes for $89.

Body Healing Massage
Owner-practitioner Stuart Bragdon is best known as the massage therapist to the NYC Ballet at Lincoln Center. (N.B. The clients before and after you will have incredible muscle tone and big bunions.) Although he specializes in sports and deep-tissue massage, when a relative of his became ill with cancer, Bragdon trained in LDM to help ease symptoms. For our session, Bragdon placed a cushion beneath my lower legs and had me focus on diaphragm breathing as he gently and deftly pressed and tapped his way around my frame. Reaching my feet, he zeroed in on the swelling, running the tips of his fingers between the bones on top of my instep. Hopping down from the table, I was amazed to see the long-lost metatarsal bones on the tops of my feet. 239 E 73rd St between Second and Third Aves (212-717-8318). 60 minutes for $100.

In Touch Bodywork
Of all the therapists I saw, Susan Shields had the lightest touch. At times it felt as though her palms were just passing over my skin, and her movements were so smooth and rhythmic that it took all of about ten minutes before I lost the battle to stay awake. Shields told me her clients usually nod off, because the massage stimulates the parasympathetic nervous system (creating the opposite of the fight-or-flight response), a sign that she’s doing her job properly. She certainly was—one of my rings was dangerously loose when I slipped it back on.133 E 58th St between Park and Lexington Aves, 15th floor (212-751-8300). 60 minutes for $110.

Wellspring Holistic Day Spa
Brigitte Shotimninrin is an enthusiastic detox missionary; she speaks lyrically about “fantastic flushing effects.” She trained as a health-care professional, specializing in nutrition and massage (including LDM) back in her native Switzerland. Shotimninrin recommends a 10- to 15-minute sit in her self-contained steam bath before LDM, because the heat stimulates the lymph system and makes it easier to move the fluids through the circulatory passages. She seems to be right, because my rings were loose and my feet looked positively skinny; best of all, the results lasted for three days. 2114 Williamsbridge Rd between Lydig Ave and Pelham Pkwy, Bronx (718-239-0505). Massage only $75; with steam bath $95.—Clare Lambe