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Singles '08
Just be yourself(TM)
We all market ourselves: We do it at every job interview or first date. Does that well-honed persona perfectly represent every facet of our complicated, multidimensional selves? Of course not. But if you’re marketing yourself properly, it should not only be an amplified representation of your most important qualities now, but also point toward your future and the person you are becoming.
So why is marketing yourself effectively so damned hard, and why does it initially feel so disingenuous? Probably because most of us are still struggling to figure out who we are and who we want to be. At the same time, we’re so worried that who we are is not enough (not smart enough or beautiful enough or rich enough or—yeah—lovable enough) that we present this facade to the dating world, which makes us unhappy and even more insecure.
Fortunately, we don’t have to get everyone to date us (or even like us!). In fact, good self-marketing separates the “buyers” we want from the tire kickers we don’t. (You might find me attractive as a person, but someone else might not—and that’s okay.)
Even in the corporate world, good branding is not about putting out a “perfect” facade, however superficially seductive. As marketing pro Seth Godin says, “Good marketers tell a story, but a product for everyone rarely reaches much of anyone.”
If you try to market yourself as something you’re not, you’ll find someone who loves you for that—and not for you. From that point on, it’s easy to believe that we’re not good enough to be loved for who we are, when really we’re not good enough to be loved for who we pretend to be.
No one knows better than me—some people will love you for the same reasons other people hate you.
CONTINUE »
Time Out New York / Issue 645 : Feb 6–12, 2008
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Makes sense for a gal -- particularly a good-looking one -- to adopt this strategy. Most sites are at least 3 to 1 male to female, ranging to a daunting 11 to 1 on one I know. As a result, the guys are mainly the one who do the hitting, and the women sit back and get hit on. Women have told me they simply log on and go out for a coffee, then spend an hour sorting thru the hits. As a guy, I have done pretty well online, but never once have been hit on first except for a hot lady in Brazil.
Brilliant.
Julia's byline for her sex column at Georgetown was a pseudonym.
I totally agree with Julia. The #1 most attractive quality in a person is self-confidence - people flock to those who are mostly happy with themselves. I had a fantastic single male friend who was a little socially awkward (MIT Math PhD - go figure) who got some advice from his other girlfriends on how to become more attractive... he told me he was working on it. I told him, "Jack, you want something to work on? Work on not working on yourself!" Now he's happily dating an equally fabulous woman!
I don't take issue with Julia Allison as a person. I'm just utterly confused as to why TONY has decided to take up so many pages on a weekly basis with her self-absorbed, hackneyed, regurgitated writing. I would cancel my subscription to TONY if it weren't free already.
I am so inspired! :-) I guess I'd better start marketing. I definately have all of the equipment, but I tend to let the person I'm dating define me. Also, I recently had my heartbroken by someone I still love, so it's hard to build up my confidence and re-enter the dating scene. But I guess I should just try and have fun with it. Thanks... Oh, and shake those haters off and keep doing what you do! :-)
Julia, I can market myself up the wazoo, but you wouldn't give me the time of day even if you were carrying around a grandfather clock. Looks, money, etc., usual reasons.
Any marketer can tell you a good product sells itself. It doesn't have to be shoved it people's faces. Miss Allison, however, is a turd covered in shiny pink frosting. Underneath it's still a turd, but the hell if you're not gonna try to convince people otherwise. Anyone who was truly confident and self-aware would not need daily ego strokings and internet hug-a-thons from random strangers. Don't confuse confidence for narcissism.
i LOVE julia.
I don't know which one's worse...her personality or her tumblelog.
julia, i've never read your column but i think you're on to something. who gives a sh*t what our worst critics think? as long as we embrace ourselves and are ourselves we'll find people who appeciate us for us. whether is be friends, lovers, employers whatever. that's what i do, and have learned over the past couple of years. i'm single right now but i couldn't be happier. thank you for voicing your opinion. i totally agree with you.
I can't believe you ruined a cover with her. JA, you will never win me over. Your attention-seeking ways disgust me.
Nice binder clip!
Julia, I have to say you have won me over as well. I'm not one to really follow these types of articles, but I find your musings to be brazen, insightful and honest. But, you had me at brazen. Keep up the good work. G.A.P.