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Singles '08
Just be yourself(TM)
“Attention whore,” “slut with a pen,” “useless ho-bag, “Chiclet-toothed asshole,” “old, ugly and over” (at 26, no less!) and—my personal favorite—“dumber than an autistic child.” Almost immediately after I began writing a dating column several years ago, critics/bloggers tore me apart.
Why? Because I had the “audacity” to be myself—and then market it: Julia Allison™. (Isn’t that terminology totally obnoxious???) To me, this means being outspoken, brutally, sometimes uncomfortably honest, imperfect but positive. This is self-marketing. And every single person should do it.
People get marketing all wrong. They think it’s all about trying to be what other people want. But it’s really about being brave enough to put yourself out there—who you are—and not change in the face of people trying to make you something you’re not. My detractors will never like me. But honestly? Who cares?
For every denigrating comment, I’ll get five e-mails like this: “I must admit I didn’t like you at first…but you’ve won me over with your earnestness and desire for self-discovery.” Or this: “I am repeatedly floored by your honesty, your daily defiance in the face of the haterade-chugging masses.”
Ha. My daily defiance? He should see me when I’m crumpled into the fetal position sobbing on my kitchen floor. It’s been a long, long journey to Julia Allison™.
I grew up as the stereotypical ugly duckling (glasses and braces), reading The Feminine Mystique at age 12, crossing out all the hes in my seventh-grade history textbooks and replacing them with shes. I had boyfriends in high school, but I rarely felt pretty and was deeply insecure. College brought three years of bulimia and a half dozen romantic debacles.
I didn’t feel beautiful and confident at 15, 17 or even 21. It came slowly, and it came with hard work, which is exactly the opposite of what everyone assumes. Attractiveness—the power of seduction, the power to enthrall others—is rarely born. It is made.
And to be honest? A lot of it is just pure marketing. One of the most difficult parts of dating in New York is standing out. That’s why as a single person these days—male or female— marketing yourself outright is a necessary skill.
CONTINUE »
Time Out New York / Issue 645 : Feb 6–12, 2008
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Makes sense for a gal -- particularly a good-looking one -- to adopt this strategy. Most sites are at least 3 to 1 male to female, ranging to a daunting 11 to 1 on one I know. As a result, the guys are mainly the one who do the hitting, and the women sit back and get hit on. Women have told me they simply log on and go out for a coffee, then spend an hour sorting thru the hits. As a guy, I have done pretty well online, but never once have been hit on first except for a hot lady in Brazil.
Brilliant.
Julia's byline for her sex column at Georgetown was a pseudonym.
I totally agree with Julia. The #1 most attractive quality in a person is self-confidence - people flock to those who are mostly happy with themselves. I had a fantastic single male friend who was a little socially awkward (MIT Math PhD - go figure) who got some advice from his other girlfriends on how to become more attractive... he told me he was working on it. I told him, "Jack, you want something to work on? Work on not working on yourself!" Now he's happily dating an equally fabulous woman!
I don't take issue with Julia Allison as a person. I'm just utterly confused as to why TONY has decided to take up so many pages on a weekly basis with her self-absorbed, hackneyed, regurgitated writing. I would cancel my subscription to TONY if it weren't free already.
I am so inspired! :-) I guess I'd better start marketing. I definately have all of the equipment, but I tend to let the person I'm dating define me. Also, I recently had my heartbroken by someone I still love, so it's hard to build up my confidence and re-enter the dating scene. But I guess I should just try and have fun with it. Thanks... Oh, and shake those haters off and keep doing what you do! :-)
Julia, I can market myself up the wazoo, but you wouldn't give me the time of day even if you were carrying around a grandfather clock. Looks, money, etc., usual reasons.
Any marketer can tell you a good product sells itself. It doesn't have to be shoved it people's faces. Miss Allison, however, is a turd covered in shiny pink frosting. Underneath it's still a turd, but the hell if you're not gonna try to convince people otherwise. Anyone who was truly confident and self-aware would not need daily ego strokings and internet hug-a-thons from random strangers. Don't confuse confidence for narcissism.
i LOVE julia.
I don't know which one's worse...her personality or her tumblelog.
julia, i've never read your column but i think you're on to something. who gives a sh*t what our worst critics think? as long as we embrace ourselves and are ourselves we'll find people who appeciate us for us. whether is be friends, lovers, employers whatever. that's what i do, and have learned over the past couple of years. i'm single right now but i couldn't be happier. thank you for voicing your opinion. i totally agree with you.
I can't believe you ruined a cover with her. JA, you will never win me over. Your attention-seeking ways disgust me.
Nice binder clip!
Julia, I have to say you have won me over as well. I'm not one to really follow these types of articles, but I find your musings to be brazen, insightful and honest. But, you had me at brazen. Keep up the good work. G.A.P.